Tired

I am very tired today.  Exhausted more like!
Friday was Christopher's graduation.  I think sitting in the cold gym for hours made me tired.
Saturday was shopping, not easy with no car.  The local supermarket is good but seems very expensive for some things.  Then from 1:30 to 9pm teaching.  Thankfully all my students are very nice and easy to teach.
Sunday I decided on a little adventure.  Hubby was our driver.  Since he died we haven't really been anywhere.  I am not big on going places, especially on Sunday, but I thought the kids would like
to get out a bit.  Also I haven't used public transport very much so I need to learn where the buses and trains run from and to!!  So Sunday morning we set off to Kurume.  By car it would take maybe half an hour.  But we had to walk to the train station, about 40 minutes, train 10 minutes and bus another 10 minutes. We went to the library, I wanted to walk around the park behind the library, but it rained.
The kids had a good day and I realised that we can do things without a car.  Not easy but doable.  We got obent on the way back and watched a DVD together.  I'm trying to be with the kids as much as possible, I realise how short life is.  We really don't when our number is up!!
I got to bed nice and early.  But was woken by the awful storm that raged from about 4am.  The wind was really strong and I got scared.  I came down for a drink but could hear a rattling from the back yard.  I thought that something had been blown down.  When I looked out I could see a white shape moving through the yard.  I realised that the dog had gotten free.  I managed to get her but had to get Christopher to put her back!!!  She is really big and strong, she also suffers from selective hearing, if she has something more interesting to do she ignores us!!

Christopher's Busy Week

This past week has been really busy for Christopher.  On Tuesday and Wednesday he had High School entrance tests.  He had to walk to the school, which took about half an hour.  Tuesday Mikey walked with him, just make sure he got there okay.  Actually it was more to reassure me than anything else, I worry way too much!!  Tuesday was lovely spring weather, just right to a walk.  Wednesday was rain, rain and more rain, then very strong wind, not good for walking in!!  Christopher said the test was okay, and some points easy. Does this mean he did okay or he missed a load of questions?  Again worrying!!!  We won't know until next week, March 19th, fingers crossed that he gets in!!!

Then today was his graduation.  Very long and rather boring.  I always feel that the joy is sucked out of these ceremony's!  I know that ending one period in your life is sad but at the same time there should be a feeling of hope and moving forward.  Maybe that is talked about in the speeches, most of which I missed.  I just shut off sometimes and stop listening.  After the main ceremony, in the freezing gym, we all went back to the homeroom.  There each student stood up and gave a little speech.  Christopher got every bodies attention by speaking in English, to me, first, then switching to Japanese.  Very smooth!! 
I'm glad that this is over and done with.  I've been so worried about everything, tests and graduation.  I have never had to deal with all these things by myself before.  I made Mikey come with me.  I wasn't sure that I could go through it without breaking down.  Mikey is very calm and helps me out.  It felt weird to sit there without hubby.  I guess it  will never feel right!!

Anyway some pictures from today

The program

Christopher's class entering

the song that made me cry

Christopher giving his little speech

With his homeroom teacher  Mrs Ueno

With a class mate

Japanese teacher who has helped Christopher a lot

Me and Christopher

Another class mate

ALT teacher from Germany, teaching English

Headteacher

And Goodbye to Tosu Junior High School

March 11th 2011 two years on

There are some dates that people remember.  I have heard people say they remember exactly what they were doing when President Kennedy was assassinated.  For younger people Princess Diana's death, the 9.11 terror attacks and the bombing of the underground in London remain in our collective memories.  But for the Japanese and those living in Japan March 11th is synonymous with tragedy.  It was the day that the world changed forever for thousands of people.
I remember watching the images on TV, for days the news media ran the same images of water flooding areas, of houses, buildings, boats, cars, railways being sweeped away.  Of lives destroyed.  It seemed impossible that destruction on such a vast scale could happen. I think that mankind has become arrogrant in our belief that we can tame nature, that with our computers and machines we can bend the natural world to our will.  This disaters taught me that we are very small and rather weak when Mother Nature roars!

As the aftermath of the disaster became known I felt deeply saddened for all the people who suffered through it.  Where we live in Kyushu earthquakes are few and far between,  I could never imagine the shock that those people went through.  This year because of my own loss I feel more grieved than before.  Loosing my husband so suddenly was ( and still is) an awful shock.  I miss him everyday.  But I am lucky in that nothing else really changed in my life.  My kids are okay and give me strength through their determination to keep going.  My house is still standing, the city I live in is still there, the schools and stores unchanged.  Life around me goes on, even if I wish everything would stand still because it seems unreal that nobody else feels what I feel.  So I wonder and admire those that survived that most awful of days.  Those people lost everything, the people they loved, their pets, their homes and businesses.  Everything just gone!!  But they keep going, they are rebuilding.  Not just the structures for living but rebuilding lives and creating new memories.  Those people of the Tohuku Region are real heros!

March

So here is March!!  I honestly don't know where time goes to.  How did we get to the third month of 2013 already? 
Last week the dog got sick.  She was  coughing like crazy.  I thought about taking her to the vets but put it off.  Vets are really expensive and money is tight at the moment.  After 4 days she was fine.  She is a yard dog but has place right outside the dinning room window.  I gave her an old mat to sleep on, but she buried it instead, silly dog!!
This week has been busy at Hannah's school.  On Wednesday each year did a little skit as a goodbye to the 6th graders!!  Each year sang a song and a little play.  Very sweet.  Hannah had to stand up and say about 4 lines.  She did very well.  I am so happy, when she started at this school she wouldn't even say her name, she has come a long way.
On Thursday the school had special guests.  The Miss Universe, who use to go to the school and Peter Yarrow, of Peter, Paul and Mary fame.  Mikey went to see them, all parents were invited, I wanted to go but got hit by bad allergies!!  Mikey knows how to position himself to meet people.  So he got to speak to Peter!!!  Good for Mikey.
I am hoping to update more often, I do think about it but thinking and doing don't always match up.

What a week

The past few months have been tough.  But I manage to get things done, kind of.
This past week has been really tough, all because of David.  He is a great kid and since
hubby died he has taken on the role of errand runner.  I can't drive or ride a bicycle. So
once or twice a week David jumps on his bike and goes to the stores that are too far for me to
walk to, basically the drug store that sells cheap milk and bread.  He has become so
responsible for this that most of the time he goes without me having to ask.  But not this week.
This week he tore a ligament in his leg, not the first time but the way he did it was rather funny.
He stood up.  That is not a typo!!  He was kneeling on the floor went to stand up but twisted his
foot under him.  Poor boy had to suffer all Monday because it was a holiday, we went to
the doctor, by taxi, on Tuesday where he got x-rayed and I had a good laugh while the doctor
poked at his foot and asked if it hurt.

The Foot, the swelling has gone down now

This is what David is doing, playing shogi, Japanese chess, on the computer
 

So I have  to do all the errands that David does.  Talk about tired!!

Turning 20 in Japan is a big thing, at 20 kids become adults.  The schools in  Japan have an event when the kids are in the fourth grade, aged 10.  They are half way to becoming adults.  Last week was Hannah's class.  Each child had written what they remembered from the last ten years and their hopes and dreams for the future.  Hannah read hers first.  She wants to be a teacher.  It was an open lesson, so I went and I cried.  First one without hubby kind of hard!!   But Hannah did very well, she spoke in a clear voice, very different to the shy girl who wouldn't even say her name when she
started at the school two years ago!!  I am very proud of her.

Hannah reading her speech, she should of taken her mask off

 

And last week we had snow, looked nice while it lasted.  All of one hour!!!!

Out on the road

Side of the house

I rhink that is all for now.  I know I should update more often but I never seem to have time, I will try!!!

Party

Since hubby died I haven't had the energy to more than what I have to do.  Get the kids meals, clean up (a bit), teach a few lessons.  Not a lot but just that has been exhausting for me.  Grieving takes a lot of energy plus the stress of being a single parent.  My kids are great and are handling this a lot better than me.  But they are kids (well maybe not Mikey but even he is only 21) and they are under stress from school as well as all the stuff going on here.   So we have a few more fights, few more melt downs than before.  Hubby was the one to discipline the kids and I really miss that.  I don't want to shout at the kids but the bickering is driving me crazy.  Kind of emotional over drive! 
On Sunday I decided to do a little party for the kids.  Nothing to celebrate but I wanted to do something special for them.  Eat some nice food and watch a movie together.  Hannah had a book form the school library and wanted to make a yogurt cake.  So we made that and I did some cookies.  I think we had a nice evening.  Felt strange without hubby, whenever we watched a movie without subtitles he would always ask questions.  Use to drive me crazy, but I really missed that on Sunday.

Party food



Yogurt cake



Mikey looking cool with Christopher's  glasses

Of Guilt, Fear and Silver Carts

After saying that I wasn't going to write about my journey through grief I realised that this
is so much part of me that I can't but write about it!!
So the past few days the thoughts that are racing through my head have settled into a rather nasty cycle.  Starts with the guilt.  A few days before hubby died I asked him to drive me to Costco, a good hour and half drive. He was happy to take me, always he was happy to take me places and do things for me.  He wanted me to be happy.  After that trip he became very tired, to the point of complaining about being tired.  I should of noticed that he was  over tired, that this wasn't normal for him.  I keep thinking that if I had made him go to the doctors, maybe he wouldn't have died.  Maybe this hell I am in wouldn't be real.  But who knows.  My mind tells me that in his family all the men died young, that for 3 generations he was the oldest male.   He passed his 50th birthday,  we thought he wouldn't see that.  That the time we had together was good and he is not suffering in hospital somewhere. but my heart just cries out for him, I should of done something.
Then comes the fear.  How do I go on?  How do I face the empty years ahead?  I'll be busy, I still have four kids at home which means lots of cooking, cleaning, laundry and the day to day stuff that makes up life.  But I have lost my best friend, the one who knew me.  All these feelings I have now are the things we would of talked about.  I had plans and ideas, a vision of how my life would unfold from here.  I would slow down my teaching, take more holidays, have time with hubby, without the kids sometimes.  We would go shopping together and he would complain about not having enough meat.  All these dreams, ideas have to be reworked.  But I don't want to do that!!  I'm afraid of loosing my memories of him.  I'm afraid of a lonely old age.  Yes I have my kids but they have their own lives to live and I can't demand companionship from them.  So guilt and fear, nice companions.  During the day I am basically okay, it's the nights that are hard.  The 3 o'clock panic attacks that are hard.  I need to sleep!!
And of course the "silver cart".  It's a shopping trolley. Nobody here can drive, I can walk to most of the shops near here but carrying stuff back is hard!!  So I bought a cart.  It's okay for now but I am hoping that Mikey can get his license soon!!!!!

See a nice little cart, folds up as well. No the skateboard isn't mine!!!