is so much part of me that I can't but write about it!!
So the past few days the thoughts that are racing through my head have settled into a rather nasty cycle. Starts with the guilt. A few days before hubby died I asked him to drive me to Costco, a good hour and half drive. He was happy to take me, always he was happy to take me places and do things for me. He wanted me to be happy. After that trip he became very tired, to the point of complaining about being tired. I should of noticed that he was over tired, that this wasn't normal for him. I keep thinking that if I had made him go to the doctors, maybe he wouldn't have died. Maybe this hell I am in wouldn't be real. But who knows. My mind tells me that in his family all the men died young, that for 3 generations he was the oldest male. He passed his 50th birthday, we thought he wouldn't see that. That the time we had together was good and he is not suffering in hospital somewhere. but my heart just cries out for him, I should of done something.
Then comes the fear. How do I go on? How do I face the empty years ahead? I'll be busy, I still have four kids at home which means lots of cooking, cleaning, laundry and the day to day stuff that makes up life. But I have lost my best friend, the one who knew me. All these feelings I have now are the things we would of talked about. I had plans and ideas, a vision of how my life would unfold from here. I would slow down my teaching, take more holidays, have time with hubby, without the kids sometimes. We would go shopping together and he would complain about not having enough meat. All these dreams, ideas have to be reworked. But I don't want to do that!! I'm afraid of loosing my memories of him. I'm afraid of a lonely old age. Yes I have my kids but they have their own lives to live and I can't demand companionship from them. So guilt and fear, nice companions. During the day I am basically okay, it's the nights that are hard. The 3 o'clock panic attacks that are hard. I need to sleep!!
And of course the "silver cart". It's a shopping trolley. Nobody here can drive, I can walk to most of the shops near here but carrying stuff back is hard!! So I bought a cart. It's okay for now but I am hoping that Mikey can get his license soon!!!!!
|See a nice little cart, folds up as well. No the skateboard isn't mine!!!|