Saturday, February 22, 2014

To diet or not to diet

I have to loose weight.  I know that I keep saying that and doing nothing about it.  But I am in a dilemma. I have two choices, keep doing what I am doing, gain weight every year, risk getting diabetes, heart problems and less mobility or change my life style, eat healthy, exercise, gain more mobility and maybe a few more years of life.  Putting it down in black and white the choice is obvious, eat healthy, move more, live longer.  But that doesn't take into account my feeling, the struggle I have with food.  I love food, I love to cook and bake. I could spend hours in the kitchen and even more hours eating what I make. It also doesn't take into account that food comforts me, that a donut or a piece of cake won't criticize me, tell me that I am worthless and that I have failed at everything.  It just is, sweet and comforting for those few minutes that I have it.  All rather childish but that is what I am struggling.
So what to do?
I know, grow up and get a grip!
The only way I can do this is to take one day at a time, even one hour at a time.
And maybe get somewhere with loosing this weight!
I will try to post updates but don't hold your breath!

Today the weather is nice.
I am thinking about spring cleaning, I can see so much dust collecting, little corners that need to be cleaned out.  If the weather stays nice this week I'll make a start.
I have so much "stuff" here, far too much for this house, so I am hoping to take things over to MIL's.  She has a big store house, we have always kept the stuff we aren't using there.  But even that needs to be sorted and stuff actually thrown away.    Lot to get done!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

On Being Loved

Shortly after my husband died I joined an online community for widows and widowers!  I don't post very often but I do read what other people have to say.  These people really understand.  Over the Valentines Day holiday many people wrote about how lonely they felt, no cards or flowers to celebrate their love.  One post stood out for me.  A woman wrote that she felt that life was really to short to sit around pinning, that she felt blessed by the love of her family and friends, that she had been loved by a wonderful man.
When I thought about her letter I realised that this is a very good way to think about things.  I tend to get to be rather self pitying, poor me, my hubby died, I live in Japan, am struggling everyday with doing I what I need to do.  But if I stop and think about it why poor me?  I was loved and cared for.  I knew a love that many people only dream of.  Hubby and I were not perfect, we had incredible fights, we very often didn't see eye to eye on things.  But I was never afraid that our fights would mean the end of our marriage.  I knew that no matter how hard things got, how much we fought we loved each other.  And I know that I am very lucky to have experienced that.   Do I miss hubby, yes, everyday, every second of everyday.  But I need to be able to move forward, to let the love we share fuel me to do the things I need to do.  Will I never have a day when I would spend ALL Day in bed than face the world?  Of course not, grief is really a  roller coaster but I feel the dips aren't as dark or deep as they were even a few weeks ago.  I know that hubby loved life, loved me and the kids and I want to honor him and the only way to do that is live and love.  I feel that is what he would want me to do!

On a lighter note I asked Mikey to take me to the big Aeon Mall near here.  They have a small shop that sells imported food, not a great selection but they have herbal tea.  I love tea, ordinary everyday day tea but I got into the habit of wanting a cup of tea and some sort of snack in the evening when I finish work.  To stop that I decided to drink herb tea.  It helps. so a few nights a week I have herb tea and no snacks! 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I know and I'm sorry.  I have many excuses for not writing but no real reason.
One thing is that I am struggling with this new year.  The second year since my husband passed away.  I thought it would be easier but it isn't.  I kept telling myself to get through 2013 and things would be better.  But the first year of grief is filled with lots of practical things to do and that helps in a way. There is also some dumb hope, the hope that this a nightmare and that one will wake up and find that nothing has changed.  The second year it, the loniness, the fear, the raw grief and pain become more real.  The realisation that things aren't going to change, that he has gone and will not be walking in through the door become crushingly real and each day passes in pain that is so deep, so crushing that even getting out bed takes energy.  But with four kids ( two are young adults but still live at home), a house and business to run I have to get up and do things.  It is hard some days, some days I wake up and count the hours until I can escape back to bed.  I try to be okay for the kids, we have some laughs and I enjoy being with them.  We watch DVDs together or play board games.  I walk the dog with Christopher, go shopping with Mikey or David and watch CATS musical endless times with Hannah.  I cook and bake, clean, do laundry and teach, the usual stuff that makes up my days, weeks and months.  But I feel hollow, as if a part of me is missing and I guess in a way it is!  Hisao was really my better half, he made me feel whole and I miss that.  I miss so much about him, he ways, his stupid jokes,  the way he looked at me and I knew what he was thinking.  I miss his ability to discipline the kids,   I am a soft touch, he was the one who could push the kids to do study.  There was a nice balance there, I miss that!
But I have to live, I have to take care of our kids and give them a good future.  So I am trying!
One thing that helps me a lot are the letters that Hisao sent me, a long time ago.  I kept them and they really help me now.  In every letter he says how much he loves me and that really helps. As I read the letters I can hear his voice and I get great comfort in that!
So what has been happening here.  I bought a new fridge last week.  The freezer ha broken in my old one and it was making a lot of noise.  I got a good deal, I think, almost half price! It's not as big as my old one.  The old one was very tall, the idea was to put snack on the top shelf to stop the kids getting at them.  In the past couple of years it has been me who couldn't reach the top shelf.  When David cleaned out the old one he was commenting on how old some of the stuff was, one bottle of sauce was dated 1999!!!  Yikes!
The kids are doing well.  School is in the last term of the year, almost finished.  David graduates from high school this March, he will study psychology at university, he plans to practice on me!
Hannah goes into the 6th grade, that is hard to believe.  Christopher starts 2nd year of high school.  Time really flies!
I will get back into updating, I promise!