What A Morning

At the other house, we have a load of trash that can't be burnt.   I've spent hours going down a rabbit hole of web pages to figure out how to get rid of this trash. I found the trash disposal place in the city where the other house is but we don't have ID for that city so we can't use it.  So I thought about leaving the trash until we move and get ID.  Then I realized that a lot of the stuff, plastic bowls, plastic baskets, glass bottles, and plastic bags are things I throw into the city trash bags that we use here.  In Japan, each city has its own trash bags,  we have to buy them and that is how the trash collection is paid for.  So this morning I filled 5 big bags and bought them back here.  Not the best thing but at least I got rid of some more stuff!!

This morning turned out to be rather crazy.

First I overslept.  I had set my alarm for 5:30 so I could make breakfast but I didn't get up until almost 6 o'clock!  I made Hannah a quick breakfast and decided to pick up something for Mikey, Christopher and myself on the way. 

The plan was to drop off Hannah at the train station and then go to the other house.  We took off but Mikey wasn't going toward the train station. I asked where he was going he said to the nursery where Hannah is working!  He had to turn round and dash to the station.  She made the train okay!

We got to the other house and started to burn stuff and put the other trash into the bags.  Filled up 6 bags.  I went to finish gathering stuff from the bathroom.  I found a newspaper that was used for covering the shelf, the date was 1994.  I had to carefully fold the newspaper as there was so much dust on it.  I was really getting into the swing of things, finding what I could do.  Suddenly Mikey appeared shouting for me.  He really knows how to make me panic.  He was shouting "Mom, Mom, we have a big problem"  Of course my first thought was something had happened to Hannah or David.  I went running outside ( I can run, especially if I think something awful has happened or I see a bug).  Mikey was looking at his phone, so I was really worried. He said that we had a volunteer class at one of the community centers near where we live at 10am, it was about 9:30, and it takes at least 40 minutes between cities.  We had no teaching materials, no lesson plan, nothing.  I was feeling rather grubby, covered in dust, and a bit sweaty. 

I think Mikey broke the speed limit on the way there.  But we got there just a few minutes late and did an okay lesson.  

So what I thought would be a good morning of cleaning turned out to be a rather chaotic morning.  Never mind!

Two of my husbands paintings are hanging in the bathroom.  I need them to find a better place for them but one is rather strange.

This is nice

This is the strange one!!

Spring Cleaning

 Jackie style.

This means I tell the kids what to do, they make excuses why they don't have time, I tell them that if they want lunch they should clean!  We did well this morning, got one corner cleaned out.  We had bought a cage for the cats but only used it a couple of times.  We might need it later but not at the moment.  So we broke it down and put it in a box to take to the other house on Monday!  

Another thing I did was to start making decisions about what to take and what to dump.  We have a lovely dining table but since Hisao died we haven't used it so much, maybe 6 times in the past 11 years.  The cats have messed on it and I really don't know if the smell will come out.  We clean up as soon as we see a mess but if they do it overnight then it does sit for a few hours.  Yes, they have clean litter boxes but I think that sometimes the cats get stressed and then start marking.  It's an ongoing problem and I am trying to fix things but.....! So I'm going to get rid of the table!! It's also too big for the other house, so kind of no choice.

Of course, I feel sad, it feels as if a lot of the things that Hisao and I bought together are at the end of there usefulness and need to be replaced.  I know that Hisao's memories are in my heart but sometimes it still hurts to let go. 

At the table!!

This is what I think about when I think about the dining table.  This was exactly one year before he died!!

Maybe that is also part of why it's hard to move from here.  We were really happy here.  We still had problems but for the first time in ages, I felt that I could close the door and be happy in this house!

Yesterday, after trying to clean at the other house I went shopping.  I found a whole chicken.  Usually, whole chickens are only available near Christmas.  Very small, just over a kilo, but half price, so I got it. Today I made a roast dinner, it's still cool enough to enjoy it!  Because I knew that there wouldn't be much meat on the chicken I cooked some extra breast meat with it.  Nice lunch!

Tiny chicken

Cooked up nicely!!

Feeling Overwhelmed

 Another morning at the other house.  Another morning of feeling overwhelmed and that nothing is getting done.  It is but it is so slow and sometimes I feel like I'm just moving the trash from one place to another. The big problem is the load of plastic and glass things.  Half of the dining area is full of boxes that have plastic in them, baskets, bowls, containers of all sizes, old makeup, some little electrical things, old lights the list goes on and on.  My plan was to put the stuff in boxes and drive to the garbage disposal site.  This is where the problem comes in. We can't use the city garbage place because we aren't residents.  

I've looked at companies that do house cleaning but it's so expensive.  We are talking about 3,000 pounds just to remove some of the trash.  Some companies have a cleaning service but then we are looking at over 5,000 pounds.  We've sent out some inquiries to see if the companies can let us pay month by month.

I want this finished!  But one car and not having everybody available at the same time makes it hard. 

I'm also upset at the old man who has been cutting down some of the trees.  I understand that he thinks he is helping and I'm grateful for the help but he had cut down the blueberry bushes and the plum trees.  I'm hoping that the plums (Japanese plums) will grow as David makes this nice drink from them.  It's a bit sour but diluted with some soda water and poured over ice makes it very refreshing in the hot summer!!  

 At least today I could go to the other house and not get angry or upset.  I feel a bit better.  Still hard but no choice.

Hannah started a new part-time job on Monday, working at one of the local nurseries.  Just 3 days a week for about 5 hours.  At the moment there aren't that many children as it's the spring holiday but soon it will get busy.  She is enjoying more than working at the drug store but she's very tired!  

Azaleas

The only flowers that bloom here!  They are nice but early, I always thought they bloomed in May!!!

Energy

 I'm not talking about electricity or gas, I'm talking about my energy and how I seem to waste it!

As I'm cleaning out things I keep finding my old journals.  During my frequent breaks, I sit and read through them!  One thing I've found is that I don't learn my lessons.

I came across a diary from 25 years ago.  I had a holiday from teaching, this was in April, so spring holiday.  I wrote that I was making party food for the kids when one of my students turned up.  I had told him that it was a holiday but he forgot, so I had to teach him.  I wrote that I taught him, but inside I was fuming!  I had lost an hour with my kids, lost the time I was using to do something nice for my kids.  I was really angry.  I somehow managed to do a spring party with the kids, we ate nice food and watched a movie together. I realized that I had spent so much energy being angry about something that I couldn't change.  The kid had been dropped off, the mother didn't wait to see if there was a class and we had no way to contact her.  I concluded that I would have felt better if I had just accepted the situation and taught with a better feeling.  I felt so tired having these angry feelings!

But have I learned my lesson?  Of course not.

I still get angry at things I can't change.  I'm angry that I have to move, I'm angry at myself more than anybody else.  I should have taken better care of the yard.  I have excuses, my grief, having cancer, having problems with my knee and just having no energy!  But they are just excuses, I should have pushed the kids to help more.  I should have gone out and done just a few minutes every day instead of letting things get so out of hand that a few hours isn't enough!

Yesterday I was angry at the mess in the kitchen.  David cooked lunch, which I was very grateful for but he left a mess.  I had the most awful headache, a 24-hour headache because of the most incredible storms.  I was tired and irritable. Seeing the mess just pushed me over the edge.  I started to put away the clean dishes but ended up breaking one as I was banging around so much.  I stopped for a bit took a deep breath and remembered what I had written, I couldn't stop the mess, it was already there, but I could talk to David and suggest that he cleans as he cooks.  I calmed down, managed to clean most of the mess, and make dinner, I even baked some muffins.

I might be late but I am learning things.  I am hoping to deal with my flights of anger, to use that energy in a better, more positive way.  

The thunderstorm we had from Tuesday evening to Wednesday night was really bad!  Wednesday morning, 11am, it was as dark as the evening!  So much rain!  In a prefecture near here, about 2 hours drive, a group of high school boys were practicing soccer when lightning struck.  18 were taken to hospital, two of them in critical condition.  Mikey went out, he said that he could see small landslides in the mountains.  I hope our other house is alright, it's at the foot of a mountain, and there is a stream that runs behind the property.  The stream has been concreted and is rather deep, about 3 meters.  Most of the time there is very little water but when we get heavy rain it can fill up very quickly!  Mikey and I can go tomorrow and see if everything is alright!

Fred in his top

Hannah bought this top for Fred, it covers where the cyst was so he can't lick it. He wore it for a couple of days, then he managed to get it off.  We left it off for a few days but noticed that he was bleeding today so Hannah put it back on!

AGE

 I keep seeing on videos, and posts that age is just a number.

I believe that until I go to the other house, spend a day working, and end up feeling like death warmed over the next day.  Then the number of years my body has been on this earth really shows!  One meme going around says "My brain thinks I'm in my 30s, my sense of humor is like a 12-year-old and my body died in the Civil War"  That about sums me up nicely!

The reason I'm writing about age is a documentary I watched the other day about women having babies later in life.  These were ladies in their 40s, 50s and one lady at 60 who had babies.

My question is how do they have the energy to do it?  I won't teach preschool kids because I know that I don't have the energy to engage with them, even for 30 minutes, once a week.  How does a woman having a baby at 60 cope when her baby gets to be 2 years old?  It really made me think.  I know that everybody is different, maybe they don't have health issues, maybe they feel more secure in their relationships and are financially secure so having a baby isn't that daunting?   

The documentary also made me sad.  They interviewed one girl who was just 10 years old, her parents were in their late 50s.  This girl said that she had to be independent because her parents were older and they might die while she was still young.  That's so sad, a ten-year-old shouldn't be thinking like that.  I know Hannah was only 10 when Hisao passed away but that was sudden, she never thought he would die so young!

So how to face aging?  I want to be here for a while longer.  I have a lot of things that I want to do, places to see, experiences to be had.  One thing I've realized is that health, physical and mental health, play an important part in growing old.  

Since I've started to exercise more I do feel a lot better.  I have less pain in my knee.  This time last year I thought I would lose my mobility now I'm moving more.  The other day I went upstairs to get something, I realized that a couple of months ago I would have asked one of the kids to get it for me! Even though my exercises are very gentle it's enough at this time to help me along.  I hope to do more as I feel better.

Mental health is another factor in growing old.  I will admit that the idea of having to start over at 62 is not appealing.  I was hoping to be settled and to focus on other aspects of my life.  Instead, I have to uproot and move to an area and house that does not inspire me.  If you have read any of my posts about the other house you will know that it is driving me crazy.  It's going to be hard, physically and mentally but I've been through worse and survived.  

I am trying to find things to be happy about. I am trying to be positive and find something good in the other house.  It's hard but I have no choice.  One of my friends told me that I shouldn't spend time just moaning, which is very true.  I need to spend time to be productive, to get things done then have time to do things that I enjoy.

In Japan, April is the start of the school year.  Spring is a time of renewal in nature so I am going to try and renew myself.  Be more positive and find good things!

And I know that saying this I'll be challenged when I go to the other house on Friday!

More cherry blossoms

These are from Hannah.  This is a little park near her university!

March

 I got a lot done in March.  Got to the other house a few times.  The two bedrooms are basically empty, one has a mattress that needs to go, the other has stuff that can be burnt. The kitchen cupboards are empty, I've kept a few things, brand new rice bowls and soup bowls that were gifts, a couple of nice trays, again gifts but never used.  We break a lot of things so they will be used!  The big tatami room is almost finished, just a few things on the floor that need to be thrown out.  One corner is piled with stuff I've moved from here, books and curtains mainly.  The veranda still needs to be worked on, boxes of CDs and DVDs but not sure how to dispose of them.  The next thing is to get utilities hooked up and start cleaning. That is going to be hard.  Next time I go I have to be brave and take things out of the toilets.  

My exercise was a bit hit-and-miss.  I did every other day for the past couple of weeks.  I get so tired going to the other house.  Also, spring is really here, on Friday it wasn't moving stuff, walking from one end of the house to the other, climbing stairs that are more like ladders that tired me out, it was running and screaming as bugs started to come out.  I don't like bugs of any kind!  Spiders are okay, the little lizards are okay but bugs have me running.  Good exercise I guess!!!

I noticed that the cherry blossoms are out.  I took a walk to the park on the next block and took a few photos.  Looks really nice but it might rain tomorrow!

The park near the house

April is the new school year in Japan.  Kids change years or change schools, going on to the next level.  It's a time of change.  I'm wondering what other changes will happen this year.  My English school is not doing so well, I'm not the only one, a lot of places are struggling to keep going.  I would love to start a new business but something easy, low-key that I can do.  I keep looking on the internet but most ideas are good in the USA or UK but not here. Any ideas?

Be Positive

 After my last moaning post I decided to message my friend.

I don't have many friends but the ones that I do have, I've known for many, many years and I know I can trust them to tell me the truth, even if it's hard!

The message to my friend went along the lines of how hard it is to move, how this is all (mostly)my MIL's fault, on and on.  One total whinge fest!  My friend wasn't having it.  She told me to stop moaning and just get on with things.

Even though it hurt, it was what I needed.  

That night I was sorting through my books (again, I have so many), trying to decide what I want to keep and what I can let go of.  I came across one of my journals written about 6 months before we were told that we had to leave this house.  In it, I wrote that I was wondering if I could get permission to change the toilet, bathroom, and kitchen here.  If I could choose the company, then get a loan to pay for it.  

This really hit me!  I was willing to pay to renovate a house that will never be mine but not willing to do the same for a house I own.  Talk about stupid!

So I gave myself a good talking to Wednesday night.  I realized a few things.  I either worry too much or moan too much.  With this move, I'm doing both.  I need to let go of the past, the pain and move on with my life.

Is this what I want?  No!!!

Do I have a choice?  Again no!!!

Is moaning and worrying going to change things, of course not!

So what should I do?  Grow up would help!   Stop acting like a kid who didn't get what they want for Christmas. 

I decided to focus on something good in the house.  There are 100's of problems and as I take out more and more stuff I'm sure I'll find more.  But there are some good things! 

There is an engawa, which is like a veranda that has nice views of the garden.  I plan to set up a reading corner there. I'll make a nice cozy corner to relax in.  I'm guessing that in the summer I won't be able to use it, as the air conditioning doesn't extend there but at other times of the year it could be nice.  Also, there is a bench outside of the dining room windows, a nice place to sit, with a cup of tea and watch the mountains.  If I can change the kitchen, I can make it one where I can cook without doing a balancing act!  These are the things I'm going to focus on!  

I've decided to focus on doing what I can do, instead of moaning about what I can't do.  One thing is I can cook good healthy meals.  I enjoy getting in the kitchen, and making good healthy meals.  

Thursday morning I spent time cleaning and cooking.  We had a good lunch,  we were just finishing when some of the cats started fighting.  David went to see and came back in with Fred, one of our grey cats.  One side of Fred was soaking wet, I thought he had got in the shower room but when I looked more closely I realized that it wasn't water but this yellow/brown fluid that was pouring out of a wound.  The cyst had burst!  David was happy that it burst on the corridor which is easy to clean up and not on his bed!

We cleaned Fred but he kept licking it so we put a collar on him but he got that off after a few seconds.  So I found an old T-shirt that belonged to Hannah and tied it on him, he wasn't happy.

Fred in the T-shirt

Poor thing but he seems to be okay!

After that, I had a nap. When I got up again I asked Christopher to help me with some things on my computer.  My computer used to translate web pages from Japanese to English but has stopped doing that.  Christopher asked what was wrong with my Line account.  Line is similar to WhatsApp, a free messaging service.  When I opened my line account everything had gone.  Turns out that my account was hacked.  I sent e-mails to most people on my account, explaining what had happened.  Christopher uninstalled the app and I have to reinstall it!!

Mikey, Christopher, and I went to the house again today.  I managed to pull up the carpet in the corridor and found that the floor is really nice, it needs a good polish but other than that it's okay.  I'm kind of stuck at the moment.  I piled the stuff to be dumped into the dining room, it's the easiest to take out things but because there is still too much outside nothing is being moved.  Mikey and Christopher managed to burn a lot, so I hope next time I can get more out!