Not feeling so good

So much for going cold turkey and getting all healthy!!!  I have spent the past couple of weeks in bed.  Started as allergies, turned into a cold, now back to allergies with a lovely cough to go with it.  I can't believe how exhausting this has been.  And of course this week is seeing record highs, up to 35C yesterday and today.  That makes me feel awful as well, just no energy, no desire to do anything!  Even the most basic of chores takes a load of energy.
Tomorrow I have to push myself to clean the kitchen, the base cabinets and the pantry need a good clean.  This evening I was watching TV when a massive cockroach flew out of the kitchen.  The thing was a good 2inches long, it flew at the curtain, right where I was sitting.  My reaction is a lot of screaming and jumping around.  David managed to spray the thing but we don't know where it went to.  As I'm writing this I keep looking around, these things really scare me!!
David just walked past making a buzzing sound, my heart stopped, he is laughing himself silly now.
Good news I lost 2kgs but put back half a kilo.  It's a start!!

Going Cold Turkey

I have to stop eating sweets, snack breads, chocolate, cookies, cakes, anything with sugar in. I thought I could cut down, be careful but I am all or nothing.  I can't have one cookie or one piece of cake, I want more. So I have to stop all together.  Tough but at the moment my weight is making me ill.  I have a strange lump on the back of my thigh. it is kind of painful.  I am wondering what it is and if I need to go to a doctor.  I am hoping that by loosing some weight it will go, looks like a lump of fat.  Started when I was sitting funny on my chair, the edge of the chair dug into my leg and caused this pain.  I'm also so tired ALL the time, I sleep okay, but never feel refreshed when I wake up.  My days are unfocused and even the very simple jobs I have to do sap all my energy!
So going cold turkey.  Not going to be easy but no choice.  I lost 1kg but gained back half kilo.  I need to loose each month, each week would be the best. 
Wish me luck, there will be many posts about how hard and awful this!!!!

Six Months

Today is six months since hubby passed away.  Six very long, hard months.  Looking back I am surprised at how much got done!  Dealt with banks, credit card company's, post office accounts and sorting out welfare.  Got through Christmas, New Years and two January birthdays. All of that is a bit fuzzy, I think I was in shock.  One thing that really helped during that time was a couple of very good friends, one in Japan and one in UK.  My friend here came and drove us around, took us to a restaurant for the boys birthday and lent me a shoulder to cry on.  My UK friend sent me an email everyday, some days the thought of that email waiting in my inbox is the only thing that got me out of bed.  To those two dear friends, I really don't have words to describe how deeply grateful I am to them, they kept me going when all I wanted to do is stop. 
As the first shock lifted I realised that there were so many things to be done.  Christopher graduated Junior High School and got into High School. Never thought that I could deal with that, Mikey has been a real god send,. He has spent hours filling out forms and dealing with people who don't seem to understand that when a person dies suddenly they don't have time to pass on information such as passwords or PIN numbers.  David became my goofer, he shops for me and helps a lot around the house. Last Sunday I came down at 9am, David had cleaned the living room, done the dishes and laundry!
Hannah's birthday in May was hard.  Hisao always made a big fuss for her birthday.  We celebrate the fact that she is alive, she was born extremely premature and only had a 30% chance of surviving!  Every year Hisao would tell us the story of how he changed his mind at the last second and came home instead of his first plan of gaping to the cell phone company to change his phone.  If he had then he wouldn't of been back in time to get me to the hospital.  Hannah's life is a miracle made up of little things!! 
The next thing that had to be done was getting rid of the car.  That was harder than I thought it would be.  It's only a car but it held so many memories.  But if I hold onto everything that hold memories of Hisao I would never be able to let go of anything!

Externally things have progressed.  On an emotional level I am not so sure.  I am not sitting on the kitchen floor screaming my head off any more but tears are always close by.  I  just miss hubby so much.  I miss his daftness, his smile, his calm wisdom, his love that he showed the kids, his belief in the future.  The way he knew how to win me over.  One very strong memory I have is a fight we had.  This was a few years ago and I really don't remember what we were fighting about.  Hisao went out and came back with a "Jackie Pack",  DVD, diet coke, chocolate and chips.  I was still sulky when he came back but when he handed over the Jackie Pack I cheered up.  David was watching this and said in an innocent way "So that is how to win a fight with your wife"  And Hisao always won the fights!!! 
I have been looking at photos the past few days to see if I can find some that show who he really was.  Enjoy!

The day we got the car

My birthday, few years ago

Space World,  9 years ago

Typical Hisao, sleepy at the computer

With Mikey

With Christopher, Hannah and Mikey, 4 years ago

with David

I hope the next six months pass just as well, that we have no more major stress. 

Book Off equals Rip Off

I am hopping mad!  Yesterday Mikey and David took some books to Book Off.  Mikey had a full set of kids books, I sent two new English text books with Cd's that had never been opened and 6 other Japanese books on business, hard cover and new looking.  For all that they gave 70yen.  That is not a typo 70 yen.  The text books will resell for at least 1000yen each, the cover price on one was 2500yen and Book Off resells for at least half the cover price.  My biggest problem now is what to do with all the books we have. Hubby was running a Yahoo Auction site to resell books.  Started with books we had lying around but kind of grew out of control.  I am now left with over 2000 books that are taking up space.  I could send more to Book Off but I hate being ripped off like that!!  I know I won't make a lot of money off the books but at least a bit would be nice!!  Any ideas?
 I managed to get my temper under control enough to make a nice dinner.  I found a recipe for Tomato-Zucchini Bake at Health.com

Tomato-Zucchini Bake

I had to change it up a bit as I had no Parmesan cheese.
Here is the link to the recipe  http://www.health.com/health/recipe/0,,10000001906403,00.html
This site has a lot of interesting recipes, I might try a few out.

I have to loose weight

I know I started this as a new page but haven't figured out how to add to it!  So it will have to go here.
Friday and Saturday nights were awful, I just can't or won't stop munching at night.  Maybe it a subconscious death wish, life is very hard at the moment and wanting to escape is overwhelming.  But I have kids to take care of and there needs should go first!  So I have to push myself to be more aware in everything I do.  Today I want to clean upstairs, we have been moving the bedrooms round since March but still haven't finished, so once I get off the computer I am rounding up the kids and getting to work.  Also I have to keep throwing out things that are no longer useful, hanging on to stuff isn't helpful.
What does any of this have to do with loosing weight?  For me the hardest part of loosing weight is the mental part, the thinking that goes with it.  At the moment I feel that my life is a mess, my house is a mess so why bother to improve myself.  So I will start with the externals, cleaning up and clearing out, then as I feel better about things around me, lot less stressful as well, I will have more power to deal with loosing weight.  Does that make sense?

Money

Money is the bane of my life.  Even more so since hubby's death.  I don't have his income but my bills haven't changed that much.  We are doing okay, managed to pay the monthly bills on time but I need to save. Next year David wants to start college, the year after that Hannah starts junior high school, then Christopher might want to go to college.  This keeps me awake at night!  How to manage?  I need to buy some clothes for myself,  the kids need some stuff as well.  Food shopping is so stressful, without a driver I can't get to the cheaper shops. The local supermarket is okay but a bit expensive!  Also with the summer starting there is no way I can walk to the supermarket, so I have joined the local Co-op delivery service.  It's good but again expensive.  Then there is the problem of the air conditioners.  I want to run them, I hate being so hot and sweaty all the time, but with the electric going up by 8% I really can't afford to run them!!   Look out for lots of posts on how much I hate the summer!

In other news I managed to burn my finger the other day.  I was baking potatoes in the microwave.  I use a glass dish with wrap over the top.  I saw that the wrap was full of steam and knew it was hot but still opened it without oven gloves.  Had a lovely burn blister for a couple of days now it is bright red!

Poor finger!

Doesn't really hurt until I start washing dishes!  Good excuse not to wash them!!!

Wednesday

I hope that today is better than the last few days.  I feel as though I have lost focus and energy to get things done.  Part of it is the weather, even though it is just after 7am I am already sweating buckets.  It is so hard to focus when the heat starts.  Most years I have all the big cleaning done by now but this year I am so behind.  One problem was using the car to store things in.  When the car went we had to take all the stuff out, everything got dumped in the dinning area!

disaster!           

Got some of the stuff put away but there is always more that needs to be done. Since hubby died we haven't been using the dinning table to eat on, to many memories! But I want to get back into the habit of eating there, eating on the small table encourages watching TV while eating.  Sometimes that is okay but not everyday and every meal.

Part of being so unfocused is being so tired.  I get up at 5:30 almost everyday.  Christopher needs an obento and I like to make a good breakfast for the kids.  They don't have lunch until 12:20 and I feel it is too long without something. I am moving away from traditional breakfast foods, Hannah doesn't like eggs or cheese.  Have to be creative!

Gourmet breakfast,  miso soup, rice, sausages and spinach, banana, yogurt and cornflakes.

Let's hope I can get a few things done today!