My Blog

I started this blog as a way to share about my life in Japan.  I was hoping to share the crazy things we do, both my family and the rather strange culture that is Japan.  But after my husbands death I am finding that all my time is spent either crying or trying not to cry.  I have read some blogs by other widows and have found great comfort in the fact that I am not alone on this terrible journey.  But I don't know if I want to put out in cyber space all the raw and ugly emotions that go with the grief process.  So what to blog about when all I think about is how upside down my life is now and how this new normal is not normal and never will be normal?
Well one constant thing in my life are my kids.  They are the reason I crawl out of bed in the morning!
Mikey,  my eldest, is just 21.  He has had to step up and help out with everything!!  There is so much that has to be done,  so much paper work and forms that I can't read.  Also he is working part time, he has to get his drivers license, so he is saving as much as possible.
David is driving me crazy.  He has the same sense of humor as my husband!!  Loves to play jokes on people, most of the time it's okay but sometimes he can get really under peoples skin.  He decided to decorate some tangerines the other day!

hiding

I"m going to eat you

A lost comrade

Tangerine Man?

But he is also a good boy!  He does the dishes, puts laundry in and goes to the shop without being asked!
Christopher is working very hard for his high school tests. Poor kid has to study every day.  I hope he is doing okay because I have no idea how to help him. 
And of course Hannah, who has become my shadow, is being very sweet and brave.  My Mom died when I was 42 and had been away from home since I was 18.  But her death left a void in my heart that I thought would never be filled or healed.  How much more difficult for a 10 year old kid!!  That breaks my heart.  She is having a hard time with one of her friends.  Her friend is a nice girl but rather strong and Hannah is feeling very vulnerable at the moment.  She needs to be with people who can support her and offer some sympathy! Not with kids who just want to whine and be bossy.  I walked to school with Hannah this morning, but when we got to school she couldn't go in!!  So we came home!!   We are lucky that the teachers are understanding and won't push her too much but rather try to support her!!
For me, tears, more tears, screaming and shouting at the unfairness of it all.  But I have so many memories of my hubby, he tried so hard to make me happy, but that was almost impossible!!! 
When I think back I can see that we had a great life, I just wish we could of had more time together!!

2013

So a new year and for us a new life!

We were totally unprepared for my husbands death.  Even a month later it feels unreal.
I keep thinking that he will walk through the door any moment, asking me what I'm doing.

I should of written this before but couldn't.  Hubby's funeral was very beautiful.  Mikey and David with help from hubby's good friends arranged everything.  David got rather upset with the funeral home guy, he was pushing to have all these fancy things.  But we stuck to our guns.  The funeral was held at home, for the kids that was easier than going to some strange place.  It also gave us time to be alone with the body, to say goodbye on our own after everybody left.  The funeral home did a beautiful job in changing the room I use for teaching. 
 This is the room we used,looks nice


The picture we used, I didn't change the clothes, hubby never wore a suit and tie, this is how I remember him              

 The funeral was beautiful and simple.  We didn't have the Buddhist priest.  That was one thing hubby said he never wanted.  He felt that the priests, at lest in his experience, were out to make money, not caring or helping the grieving family. So we had a prayer, some hymns and some  of my husbands friends talked about him.  Then we offered flowers and incense.  Nice and simple.  I was shocked that so many people came, over 50 that day and over the next few days over a 100 people stopped by to pay respects. 
The next day was the cremation.  I stayed home with Hannah and Christopher, there are somethings that I just can't do and seeing the skeleton remains of my beloved is one of them.


The next few days went by in a blur.  As I wrote we got through Christmas, then going to high school for Christopher. Hannah and I got the flu, which knocked us about for 2 days.  Mikey got sick as well but he wouldn't go to the doctor. 
New year came and went.  Kids went back to school.  I am so proud of all my kids, they have handled this very well.  Christopher is in the last term of junior high school and has entrance tests coming up.  The first two days back at school he had tests.  I honestly thought he wouldn't do very well.  But he got the best marks ever and out of over 200 students in his year he ranked 42nd. 

So my new life.  Not the one I want but sometimes we have no choice in things and this is one of them.  One thing I know is that my hubby really loved me.  Sure we had our fights and problems, but nothing major.  Hubby would go to any length to make me happy.  I wanted more time with just him,  I love my kids but was looking forward to empty nest and just me and hubby time.  Now......not looking forward at all.
I get through this day and the next but no plans, no dreams for the future. Maybe as the intense pain I feel lessens (if it ever does) I can start looking forward again. 
Sorry this is rambling and the pictures didn't get put in properly.





Christmas

I got through Christmas.  I am not sure how but managed
The kids liked their presents.  I cooked the turkey and did the trimmings.  A good friend came and helped make the table seem less empty.
It wasn't the usual Christmas we have.  There is usually some disaster that ends up having everybody crying with laughter.  Hubby always said that the Japanese don't do Christmas but he loved it.  He spent ages looking for the perfect gifts for the kids and was willing to go out of his way to do things for them.  This year we bought an electronic darts set for David.  The boys took it upstairs and set it up.  I could hear them laughing.  I realised that this game was probably as much for hubby as for the kids, that's the kind of thing he would of loved.
I am still in shock and have spent far too much time the past couple of weeks sorting out all the official stuff, then I had flu, still down with that but need to tidy up and take down the Christmas tree.
I will write again.

Not the post I want to write

But I have too.
At 1am December 18th, Japan time, my beloved husband passed away.
He had a heart attack, according to the doctor he didn't suffer and went peacefuly.
Mikey came home from his part time job and found him sitting at the kotasu table.  Mikey thought that
he was asleep until he touched him and found him already cold.  We called the ambulance but I could see that it was too late.
Friends have rallied round and I have to get through the funeral and the next couple of days, after that I don't know.  I am taking things one hour at a time.
I am not sure when I will write again.

Very long time

I can't believe that so much time has passed since I wrote.  I have a load of excuses, basically very busy, very cold and kind of sick, just allergies but I get a lot of headaches because of it! 
So what has been happening.
Sometime in November a group of kids from the local junior high school came to interview me.  They were doing a study about businesses in the city.  As a small business I was chosen.  It was a rather fun time, I thought an English teacher would come but they came by themselves.  David helped out, I could understand their questions but couldn't answer!!  Guess I should study Japanese!!

1st year junior high kids, bit shy

Taking pictures of my classroom

Camera shy, he was hiding from his friends camera but I got him!!!!

The end of November we went to MIL's to pick up the Christmas tree and decorations, I go a bit crazy for Christmas.  I love having the tree up and lights outside the house.  At MIL's house there is a large storage area.  All the stuff we don't use is put there.  But that means that nothing is ever thrown out .  I found a box of clothes that I had when I lived in America, 30 years ago.  Why am I keeping this stuff?   So what should of been an one hour job became a 4 hour job.  We burnt a lot of stuff, I think every time we go we will burn stuff.  I really want to be able to get our stuff to a manageable amount!
One of my students gave us some tickets to the museum near here, so on December 1st Hisao took the kids to the museum.  I think they had a good time!

My students have been working very hard the past couple of months.  The girls that come with Hannah have been learning past tense.  I think they have it now, I hope so.

Above the girls notebooks, last picture is of the girls working hard!!

I am sure that there is more, but I just can't think at the moment. 
I will update more often, I promise.

What a Day

My insomnia got the better of me last night.  I went to bed about 10:30 but woke up at 2am and couldn't fall asleep again.  So I got up at 4:30, put some meat in the slow cooker for lunch and made some banana coffee muffins.  Hubby started to wash the dishes a little while later.  While he was washing the dishes water started to pour from under the sink, a pipe had broken.  He turned the water off at the main and we cleaned up as best as we could.  This is a rental house, so after dropping the kids off at school, hubby went to the real estate agents and asked for a plumber to come.  Somebody came and had a look at the situation but couldn't do anything because of the contract .  The guy who has the contract came at 9am, looked and left.   We are now 4 hours without water, we could get some cold water but no hot water!  The cold water was from outside the house, fill up pots and pans and bring in.  By 12:30 the plumber still hadn't come back, so another call to the real estate agent.  The plumber returned at 1:30 and has just finished fixing the pipe......maybe!
At times like this I wonder how people cope in areas that are hit by disasters, how do you deal with NO water,electricity or gas?  Even one day with no water has driven me crazy, a few days I would be climbing the walls!

Mom's birthday and Ikea shopping

Last Sunday (October 28th) would of been Mom's 73rd birthday.  It's hard to imagine her that old!  I had already planned the dinner for that day, shepherds pie, per Christopher's request and apple pie.  It was while I was making the pastry for the apple pie that I realised the date!  Baking with Mom is one of my earliest and fondest memories!  Sundays were always roast days and because the oven was on for hours my Mom would bake pie and sponge cakes.  I can remember as young as four or five "helping" Mom in the kitchen, I would get to beat the batter and be given the scraps of pastry to roll out!  One very clear memory I have is my Mom balancing the pie plate on one hand and cutting the scraps off.  This looked like a very difficult operation, involving the ability to balance and turn the plate all the time trimming away the excess pastry.  I remember thinking that once I could do that I would be grown up.....guess I'm grown up now!!!

Nice photo of Mom holding Hannah!  That is one thing that makes me really sad, Hannah never had chance to get to know my Mom.

On to something a bit more cheerful.......shopping!!   Hubby took me to Ikea on Tuesday.  2 hours drive but I really enjoyed looking around and I even managed to control my spending.  I got a good size teapot and a nice roasting tray that fits my oven.  I could of spent a lot more but we were going to Costco as well and I always spend a lot there!   I haven't been to Costco for about a year but I really wanted to get some good meat.  I've started using my slow cooker recently and I'm amazed at how well the food turns out.  So I got some cubed stewing steak and mince meat, so am looking forward to some nice meatloaf and beef stew.