Two Years

It is hard to believe that two years have passed by since Hisao died! Where did the time go?
This year is somehow harder!  I feel my memories of him are further away than before, if that makes any sense! 
I try to face my grief head on but this past summer it felt as if grief was too much for me to handle. I wanted to run away and hide from my feeling but I know that doesn't help in the long run.  So I put my brave face on and worked through the pain to a bit better place.  I also realised how easy it is to fall into self pity which is not grief.  There are questions to which there are no answers, why me? why now?  why does my family have to suffer like this?  But then why not me? why not now?  why not my family?  We are all equal under God and other families are suffering more than mine.  Falling into these questions doesn't help at all, they just produce negative thinking and an unhealthy self pitying attitiude.  Grief is not linear, it is a tangled web of emotions, I can feel sad and happy at the same time.  I can have hope and feel despair at the same time.  I am both fine and not fine! 
I have learnt a lot this past year, I can cope with more things than I thought, I can put a brave face on things and smile through my pain, even if it means curling up and crying after.  I can make decisions by myself and help my kids with the decisions they need to make.  I am slowly finding confidence in myself!  The year has been hard and I guess every year will be hard but I will survive!

Ten years ago!