I Wasn't Tired

I was sick!

After I finished writing yesterday I decided to lie down a bit more, thinking that I would be alright to go and teach later. 

But I ended up running to the toilet every 10 minutes! I'd picked up a stomach bug! Both David and Christopher have been sick with it, I was hoping that I would escape it but I didn't! It's just a 48-hour bug, nothing serious but you have to stay near a toilet. So I stayed home, slept, and read a bit. I feel a lot better today and actually have some energy! 

I realize that I overthink things. Next Tuesday is Hannah's graduation and I'm freaking out because we have to go by train, bus, and taxi. The train is okay but I can't figure out which bus to take. I spent ages this morning looking on Google Maps but it keeps telling me that there is no bus to the university. I know the bus doesn't go to the campus but there is a stop nearby but I can't figure it out. I have four days to find out this bus number and the name of the stop but I'm already worrying. Why do I do this to myself? I'm going with Christopher, he can ask at the station which bus to take and if we can't get one then we can use a taxi. But my brain just wants to freak out at something. I need to sit and give myself a good talking-to!!

All the lovely blossoms are starting to fall. I thought it was snowing this morning but it was the blossoms being blown down. It's interesting watching the garden come to life. Every day there is something new to see. Also there are a lot of birds around, some mornings it gets to be very noisy. 

Just a few photos from the garden.

From the driveway

camellia bush starting to flower

Another pretty one that I don't know the name of

It's A Cats Life

 I want to be a cat.

No work, no responsibilities, sleep all day, nice treats, and a bit of playtime!!

Fun!  

Cat's Life

I'm overtired. Last week was busy, with four trips to the other city and starting to exercise. I thought that a good rest on Monday would be enough for me, but it wasn't. I couldn't wake up this morning, I feel sick and have a headache but have to go again today and tomorrow plus I have an appointment to have my hair done on Friday.  Next week is going to be worse as it's Hannah's graduation on Tuesday and I want to attend.

I'll have to go by train, bus and taxi.  Christopher is coming with me, which will help but it's going to be a full day out!  I won't be able to go home as I have an evening class as well. Looks like I'll be out from 8am to about 10:30 pm.

Looking at my cats, all curled up, gently snoring I think it's a good life. But maybe that depends on the owner. My cats have a good life because we spoil them. As I'm writing this David is putting some boiled eggs for Mama cat, she loves boiled eggs.

I know things aren't that bad, I'm just tired. I'm trying so hard to be positive and grateful. Can I keep thinking positive thoughts and being grateful when I'm so tired? That's the challenge, it's easy when things are going well but when life feels tough then it's easy to fall back into the old miserable, complaining mindset! 

So I'll paste on a smile and behave as if everything is great and get through today!

Great East Japan Earthquake

 On March 11th, 2011 at approximately 2:45 in the afternoon a magnitude 9 earthquake struck off the Pacific Coast of Japan. This was the largest earthquake to ever hit Japan and the 3rd largest in the world since 1900. The earthquake caused a massive tsunami, which in turn caused the disaster at the Fukushima nuclear power plant.  

Lessons are learned each time a major disaster hits. Pressing needs such as dealing with people who have lost homes,  who need a place to stay, food, and water to survive the first 48 hours.  Making sure that medical supplies can get in. That rescue efforts aren't hampered by the destruction of infrastructure. Then longer-term solutions such as temporary housing, rebuilding of schools, hospitals, and industry. One big change that occurred was the way relief is sent to affected areas. Before the local governments had to request aid, but in the March 11th disaster many local government buildings were destroyed meaning that there was no way to request aid. Now aid is sent without request, the central government will just send aid as soon as possible.  This means that help arrives at the disaster area a lot faster.

Japan is a country that is prone to natural disasters. Every year there are earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, typhoons, and now wildfires! Every time a disaster hits I often wonder how do people survive, not just physically but emotionally or mentally. How do you pick yourself up and restart life?

I live at the opposite end of the country from where the March 11th earthquake hit. I actually didn't know it was happening until one of my students came to class crying.  His father was in Tokyo and the family hadn't been able to contact him.  I told the student not to worry, that Japan is used to these earthquakes and I'm sure his Dad was okay (he was but no cell reception for a few days). The student told me to check the TV, so I did. I was horrified at what I saw. The tsunami had already hit many places, houses were being tossed about like toy boats. Sendai Airport had water up to the walkways for the planes. The images were unreal! 

As things calmed down, rescue squads were sent in to help with the recovery of bodies and the slim chance that they might find survivors. One of my students at that time was a firefighter. He was sent about a week after the disaster to help.  I asked what it was like. He said that the images on the TV were very accurate but what got him was the smell.  The whole area smelt like salt water mixed with decaying bodies of both people and animals. He said that even as a veteran firefighter he was freaked out by the absolute destruction.

As I watched this unfold on the TV my one thought was how do you start again?  I've been fortunate to have never been in such a disaster. The closet we got was a few years later when a magnitude 7 hit just 3 hours drive from here. 

The Japanese, as a people, have the mindset to "gambaru", to persevere, to keep going, and not give up. During the earthquake near here, I heard a reporter describe the Japanese as being very stoic. They accept what has happened, are glad to be alive, and know that they can rebuild. I think living in a country like Japan that is a good attitude to have. 

Every year on the anniversary of the disaster there are reports from the area, showing how much as been rebuilt, how people are coping with life, accepting the grief of loss, both on a personal level but also as a community. 

On the tenth anniversary, they had a special program interviewing people who rebuilt in an area where the tsunami was very bad. One family owned farming land, therefore they couldn't move away. They built a new house and restarted their farm business. When asked if she was afraid the mother of the family answered, "Yes, but I have no choice, this is our life here"  That is the kind of attitude that most Japanese people have.

The idea of starting after loss stayed with me for a long time. I often thought about how I would cope and felt that I wouldn't do that well. Then in December 2012, I found out the hard way when Hisao suddenly passed away. I know that this was small compared to what people in the area went through. I lost my husband but still have my kids, friends, a place to live, and a business. A lot of those people lost everything. But loss is loss. I learned that inner strength comes when you need it. That somehow you find a way to get up every day and do what you have to. I learned that grief is overwhelming and it's better to embrace it instead of ignoring it. It doesn't go away, I still grieve for Hisao, but it becomes more manageable. I learned that just putting one foot in front of another each and every day gets you somewhere, maybe not the future you dreamed of but a new future that you can create.  I learned to celebrate everything, from the smallest thing, such as the kids getting good scores on their tests or finding a cheaper supermarket to the big milestones of birthdays, graduations, and entrance ceremonies. To live a life that is full. Full of good friends and family, full of laughs and daftness, full of tears and frustration. That everything is precious, even the things we don't want. such as moving here, can be a life lesson. 

Today I will say a prayer for those who died in that awful disaster. I will say a prayer for those who kept going, that their hearts can be eased and that they can find some kind of peace.  

Sorry no photos today!

Pain

 I really enjoyed my walk yesterday and wanted to go again today but I'm in pain! My knee and hip are very painful.  The pain was so bad that I didn't sleep very well last night.  

Now it's a bit better but I'm wondering if I need to see another doctor.  The doctor who encouraged me to walk is the one I'm seeing for my diabetes and high blood pressure. He wants me to exercise, especially walk a lot to bring down my blood pressure and get me off medication as soon as possible, which I think is a good idea. I didn't realize that my knee and hip would start hurting so much!!

My goal is to do 3000  steps at least five days a week.  I want to work up to 6000 steps but that seems impossible at the moment!  

So I guess it's back to baby steps, try to walk every other day.  Maybe do more chair exercises as well. I really want to walk outside while the weather is nice. I have no idea what the summer will be like but if it's anything like last year I won't be moving from the air conditioner. The trials of getting old!!  

I was going to bake this afternoon but again standing is difficult. I made some oatmeal muffins the other week, they were very nice. Not too sweet, moist, and filling. Mikey and I are out for a few hours two or three times a week, (Mikey is out up to 5 times a week), so it's easy to stop into a convenience store to pick up a little something. I make sandwiches for us but sometimes we want a little something, so having some muffins or homemade cookies helps. I know I shouldn't be eating sweets but sometimes. Also with homemade things I can control how much sugar goes in, I usually use less sugar than the recipe.

Sam

Just a photo of Sam being cute!!!

Schedules

 Working from home made my life so much easier!

I have 3 lessons a week (bad, I need more students!), so just 3 hours but on different days!  Mikey has about 3 classes a day, so after my class, I'm just waiting for Mikey to finish. I spend my time reading, studying, or walking around the gym. It's okay but I keep thinking of all things I could be doing at home.

When we were teaching from home I would spend time I was not teaching doing some small chores so things don't get too bad or checking on my computer for things to help my students. 

I've noticed that on the days I go out I'm so tired when I get back that even doing the dishes feels like too much. I try to get a lot done in the mornings but somedays there's more to do than I can actually finish. Everybody helps out but there is still a lot to be to done.

When my kids were little I would have one day a week for cleaning. I would try and do as much as possible on that one day, making the daily chores easier. I think I need to go back to that way of doing things.

Today I got everybody to help out. I got up late but still managed to do a lot. Finally moved the boxes from the bathroom, they've been there since we moved! Cleaned the floor in there as well. Mikey did the tatami room and Christopher the corridor and living/dining area. When David got back from work I asked him to set up a couple more litter boxes. 

The house feels fresh. One problem with a lot of cats is that they often don't use the litter boxes. I know why, the boxes aren't cleaned enough! David is the only one who cleans them. I've tried but end up gagging.  I know that I shouldn't have animals if I can't clean up after them but then I shouldn't have had kids either as changing their nappies had the same effect on me. I'm wondering if there is a way to overcome this! I'm going to try, wish me luck!

It was nice to spend a couple of hours being productive. I hope to keep this up, at least until it gets too hot to move!

I also had a nice long walk this afternoon.

Christopher and I walked up to our land, then a bit further to where we have more land. I was trying to figure out where my husband was born.  I have an address but there are no houses there. I wonder what happened, why the family moved down toward the valley.

During our walk, we came to a temple/shrine in the middle of nowhere. It was locked up but we could have a look outside. It looked well-kept, I would love to know what it is. 

A shrine or temple, it has features of both

stone pagoda

in front of the door

small Buddhist statue

On the way back I noticed the view. Really beautiful!

lovely views

Then I saw this sign.

I asked Christopher to take a photo, as he stepped back, I looked down and told him to stop.

sign on an electric fence

I think it's to stop the wild boar from digging the trees. I noticed a lot of holes as we walked that look like the work of wild boars!

This is our land.

Totally overgrown

We need a lot of money and manpower to get all these bits of land in order!

I'm glad I went out, I wasn't going to but it was worth it. I did 3000 steps! Since Wednesday I only missed one day of walking but I did cut down some bushes and tided the yard that day, so still some exercise.

Negative Thinking

 I've realized that my default way of thinking is one of lack and complaining.

I've known this for years, I've tried many times to change but it takes a lot of effort to do that.

I read somewhere that you shouldn't talk to people who are constantly complaining if you want to develop a more positive mind set. I read this out to David, he quipped that I would have to stop talking to myself then!!

This affects all aspects of my life. Making decsions is hard because I see the possible negative results instead of the potential postive results. 

For example I found a site that I can register to teach English online. It's one of the few sites that look legitmate (not asking for banking information before you sign up type) and you don't need a college degree. I read through it but didn't sign because I have to submit a photo and a short video. My internal thinking was something along the lines of "Nobody would want lessons from an old woman, who looks so bad!". Then there is the fear that I won't get any students, that will all be a waste of time and effort.

So I don't bother but then complain that I have no income.

The same with a few other side hustles that I've looked at. I see what other people are doing and it looks easy enough to copy, making low content books for Amazon KDP, for example.  But again I'm put off because everyone elses products look so good.

This negative thinking is really affecting all aspects of my life. I lack confidence to do things that I should be able to do, especially as somebody in their 60s. I don't shop by myself because I lack confidence in using the self check out. I would love to travel in Japan but lack confidence in being able to do that. I rely on my kids far too much, instead of trying to use what little Japanese I have.  

My thinking is always "I don't have, I can't do, I'm no good" 

I need to change this, to try and be more positive.

As with all things in life baby steps are needed. I can't go from complaining 100% of the time to happy, postive thinking overnight. 

I'm going to keep a gratitude journal. Write something everyday that I'm grateful for. Even simple things like a nice cup of tea. It's a start.

I'm going to try and catch my thinking before it spirals down to a very low point where I don't have energy to get out of bed. That is harder to do but I need to try.

Today was hard. I'm over tired from last week.

Going to the other city to teach is very tiring. I'm just in the car, not driving so I should be okay but I'm not. Plus I had a hospital appointment this week and last night we drove to Hannah's apartment to take her some groceeries. We didn't get back until 10:30!

I slept a lot, which has helped. I went and had a little walk around the garden and cut back a few bushes. Not a lot but some movement, which helps! 

There are more blossoms coming out, which are really beautiful against the blue sky.

Lovely blossoms

The weather has really improved. Nights are still cold but day time it gets up to mid teens!  We still need to get out and clear more of the yard. The weather forecast for tomorrow looks good so I hope to get everybody out for a couple of hours!

Miserable

 I was going to write about how miserable I feel at the moment and leave it at that but things happened.

The weather has been miserable, it rained for 4 days non-stop, even now it is cloudy and gloomy, and the wind is very sharp.  March really does come in like a lion, a wet lion! and goes out like a lamb! Again we haven't been able to do much in the garden!  My little plants look alright but I might have to move them as we have a frost advisory for tonight!

My misery has to do with our money situation. We have none. 

I have debts, which I really don't like. Not a lot, about 50,000, which is about £260. Not a lot but I can't even pay that off.  Two that I have to pay are for national insurance, the others are for services in the other house.  I'll get there, one day.

I wanted to buy something for Mikey's wedding but I can't afford to. I have to get my hair cut, haven't been to the hairdresser in over a year.  I have Hannah's graduation in the middle of the month but I don't know if I can afford to take her to a nice restaurant for lunch after the ceremony. 

We are very frugal. I canceled my two subscriptions, Hulu and Readly. I don't want to cancel my subscription to Everand but I might have to.  I make 500 grams of meat stretch to 2 meals for four adults,  we use the cheapest food we can find, no snacks, and very little fruit, as it's very expensive. We haven't had rice for over a week, either pasta or potatoes. 

I'm sad that at 62 this is my life. Just struggling to make ends meet. David uses all his money to pay for things, Christopher chips in, but he has to pay back his student loans. Mikey gives some but he needs to save for next month. 

Then there is Hannah, who is really struggling this month as well.  She is working two jobs since her classes have finished and she has free time so is working as much as possible but will only get 90,000, about £470. After paying rent and utilities she has nothing at all. She needs to top up her travel pass but can't and even buying groceries is hard.

This is my reality. I'm so tired, so miserable. I would love to buy something for Hannah's graduation or a small gift for Mikey and his fiancee.  I would love to be able to help Hannah out but again, it's impossible.

This has been on my mind for a few days. More than a few days. Why can't I get a break?  Why am I struggling with money or the lack of it, over and over again?

This morning I was flicking through YouTube when I came across a short video on gratitude. Not something I would usually listen to but I decided it looked interesting enough. It was basically the same kind of content about how gratitude can change things, that being grateful can help you to change and change things around you. 

I know this. I've read enough on being grateful, having positive self talk etc but I don't really practice it. This morning, however, it hit me hard. I do complain and whinge too much. so this morning I sat and thought about all the things I should be grateful for. I thought the list would be short but it became quite long.

I thought about my health, I had a check-up yesterday and my numbers are good but I need to exercise (more about that later).

We have a roof over our heads, not the best house but with time and effort it can be made nice.

We have food and the possibility of growing some stuff ourselves.

I can still work, just figure out how to get new students.

My kids are doing alright. They are taking responsibility for their lives and are willing to help me out. They aren't out partying or spending money frivolously.

I have my cats, who drive me crazy but are so loveable!

I live in an area where the beauty of nature is all around me. I don't have to drive somewhere to see the season changing, the trees in bloom or the sound of bird song, it's all there on my doorstep.

There were other things as well. I sat for a while just thinking on each of these points.

Then a miracle happened. Hannah called. She will get 30,000 yen from the city, about £150! I have no idea why but she has to fill out a form and she will get the money next month. Still leaves her short this month but she can manage now!

She called back an hour later. The cram school that she is working at has a branch near her apartment, they are looking for teachers. She is going to ask her manager if she can transfer to that branch.

I'm always skeptical when I read about how people change their thinking and then something great happens but this time it happened to me!!

Then there was my hospital appointment.

My check-up yesterday was okay. My numbers are good. My a1c number was a bit higher, but this test checks glucose levels over 2 to 3 months, so I expected it to be a bit off because of Christmas and New Year. This time it was 6.1, the last test in December was 6.0. Back to better eating!

Also, the doctor encouraged me to exercise more to help lower my blood pressure. I noticed that on the days that I was out working in the garden or walking a lot my blood pressure was lower in the evenings. So I'm going to try and do more walking!

I went for a little walk with Christopher today, about 10 minutes. It was nice to get out. I took some lovely photos.

Camellias by our shed

View of our land

Coming back I noticed that the other trees in our garden are also in bloom.

trees in bloom

My default setting seems to be complaining but I'm going to try and change that, to look for things to be grateful for, even when things are hard!