Negative Thinking

 I've realized that my default way of thinking is one of lack and complaining.

I've known this for years, I've tried many times to change but it takes a lot of effort to do that.

I read somewhere that you shouldn't talk to people who are constantly complaining if you want to develop a more positive mind set. I read this out to David, he quipped that I would have to stop talking to myself then!!

This affects all aspects of my life. Making decsions is hard because I see the possible negative results instead of the potential postive results. 

For example I found a site that I can register to teach English online. It's one of the few sites that look legitmate (not asking for banking information before you sign up type) and you don't need a college degree. I read through it but didn't sign because I have to submit a photo and a short video. My internal thinking was something along the lines of "Nobody would want lessons from an old woman, who looks so bad!". Then there is the fear that I won't get any students, that will all be a waste of time and effort.

So I don't bother but then complain that I have no income.

The same with a few other side hustles that I've looked at. I see what other people are doing and it looks easy enough to copy, making low content books for Amazon KDP, for example.  But again I'm put off because everyone elses products look so good.

This negative thinking is really affecting all aspects of my life. I lack confidence to do things that I should be able to do, especially as somebody in their 60s. I don't shop by myself because I lack confidence in using the self check out. I would love to travel in Japan but lack confidence in being able to do that. I rely on my kids far too much, instead of trying to use what little Japanese I have.  

My thinking is always "I don't have, I can't do, I'm no good" 

I need to change this, to try and be more positive.

As with all things in life baby steps are needed. I can't go from complaining 100% of the time to happy, postive thinking overnight. 

I'm going to keep a gratitude journal. Write something everyday that I'm grateful for. Even simple things like a nice cup of tea. It's a start.

I'm going to try and catch my thinking before it spirals down to a very low point where I don't have energy to get out of bed. That is harder to do but I need to try.

Today was hard. I'm over tired from last week.

Going to the other city to teach is very tiring. I'm just in the car, not driving so I should be okay but I'm not. Plus I had a hospital appointment this week and last night we drove to Hannah's apartment to take her some groceeries. We didn't get back until 10:30!

I slept a lot, which has helped. I went and had a little walk around the garden and cut back a few bushes. Not a lot but some movement, which helps! 

There are more blossoms coming out, which are really beautiful against the blue sky.

Lovely blossoms

The weather has really improved. Nights are still cold but day time it gets up to mid teens!  We still need to get out and clear more of the yard. The weather forecast for tomorrow looks good so I hope to get everybody out for a couple of hours!