Negative Thinking

 I've realized that my default way of thinking is one of lack and complaining.

I've known this for years, I've tried many times to change but it takes a lot of effort to do that.

I read somewhere that you shouldn't talk to people who are constantly complaining if you want to develop a more positive mind set. I read this out to David, he quipped that I would have to stop talking to myself then!!

This affects all aspects of my life. Making decsions is hard because I see the possible negative results instead of the potential postive results. 

For example I found a site that I can register to teach English online. It's one of the few sites that look legitmate (not asking for banking information before you sign up type) and you don't need a college degree. I read through it but didn't sign because I have to submit a photo and a short video. My internal thinking was something along the lines of "Nobody would want lessons from an old woman, who looks so bad!". Then there is the fear that I won't get any students, that will all be a waste of time and effort.

So I don't bother but then complain that I have no income.

The same with a few other side hustles that I've looked at. I see what other people are doing and it looks easy enough to copy, making low content books for Amazon KDP, for example.  But again I'm put off because everyone elses products look so good.

This negative thinking is really affecting all aspects of my life. I lack confidence to do things that I should be able to do, especially as somebody in their 60s. I don't shop by myself because I lack confidence in using the self check out. I would love to travel in Japan but lack confidence in being able to do that. I rely on my kids far too much, instead of trying to use what little Japanese I have.  

My thinking is always "I don't have, I can't do, I'm no good" 

I need to change this, to try and be more positive.

As with all things in life baby steps are needed. I can't go from complaining 100% of the time to happy, postive thinking overnight. 

I'm going to keep a gratitude journal. Write something everyday that I'm grateful for. Even simple things like a nice cup of tea. It's a start.

I'm going to try and catch my thinking before it spirals down to a very low point where I don't have energy to get out of bed. That is harder to do but I need to try.

Today was hard. I'm over tired from last week.

Going to the other city to teach is very tiring. I'm just in the car, not driving so I should be okay but I'm not. Plus I had a hospital appointment this week and last night we drove to Hannah's apartment to take her some groceeries. We didn't get back until 10:30!

I slept a lot, which has helped. I went and had a little walk around the garden and cut back a few bushes. Not a lot but some movement, which helps! 

There are more blossoms coming out, which are really beautiful against the blue sky.

Lovely blossoms

The weather has really improved. Nights are still cold but day time it gets up to mid teens!  We still need to get out and clear more of the yard. The weather forecast for tomorrow looks good so I hope to get everybody out for a couple of hours!

Miserable

 I was going to write about how miserable I feel at the moment and leave it at that but things happened.

The weather has been miserable, it rained for 4 days non-stop, even now it is cloudy and gloomy, and the wind is very sharp.  March really does come in like a lion, a wet lion! and goes out like a lamb! Again we haven't been able to do much in the garden!  My little plants look alright but I might have to move them as we have a frost advisory for tonight!

My misery has to do with our money situation. We have none. 

I have debts, which I really don't like. Not a lot, about 50,000, which is about £260. Not a lot but I can't even pay that off.  Two that I have to pay are for national insurance, the others are for services in the other house.  I'll get there, one day.

I wanted to buy something for Mikey's wedding but I can't afford to. I have to get my hair cut, haven't been to the hairdresser in over a year.  I have Hannah's graduation in the middle of the month but I don't know if I can afford to take her to a nice restaurant for lunch after the ceremony. 

We are very frugal. I canceled my two subscriptions, Hulu and Readly. I don't want to cancel my subscription to Everand but I might have to.  I make 500 grams of meat stretch to 2 meals for four adults,  we use the cheapest food we can find, no snacks, and very little fruit, as it's very expensive. We haven't had rice for over a week, either pasta or potatoes. 

I'm sad that at 62 this is my life. Just struggling to make ends meet. David uses all his money to pay for things, Christopher chips in, but he has to pay back his student loans. Mikey gives some but he needs to save for next month. 

Then there is Hannah, who is really struggling this month as well.  She is working two jobs since her classes have finished and she has free time so is working as much as possible but will only get 90,000, about £470. After paying rent and utilities she has nothing at all. She needs to top up her travel pass but can't and even buying groceries is hard.

This is my reality. I'm so tired, so miserable. I would love to buy something for Hannah's graduation or a small gift for Mikey and his fiancee.  I would love to be able to help Hannah out but again, it's impossible.

This has been on my mind for a few days. More than a few days. Why can't I get a break?  Why am I struggling with money or the lack of it, over and over again?

This morning I was flicking through YouTube when I came across a short video on gratitude. Not something I would usually listen to but I decided it looked interesting enough. It was basically the same kind of content about how gratitude can change things, that being grateful can help you to change and change things around you. 

I know this. I've read enough on being grateful, having positive self talk etc but I don't really practice it. This morning, however, it hit me hard. I do complain and whinge too much. so this morning I sat and thought about all the things I should be grateful for. I thought the list would be short but it became quite long.

I thought about my health, I had a check-up yesterday and my numbers are good but I need to exercise (more about that later).

We have a roof over our heads, not the best house but with time and effort it can be made nice.

We have food and the possibility of growing some stuff ourselves.

I can still work, just figure out how to get new students.

My kids are doing alright. They are taking responsibility for their lives and are willing to help me out. They aren't out partying or spending money frivolously.

I have my cats, who drive me crazy but are so loveable!

I live in an area where the beauty of nature is all around me. I don't have to drive somewhere to see the season changing, the trees in bloom or the sound of bird song, it's all there on my doorstep.

There were other things as well. I sat for a while just thinking on each of these points.

Then a miracle happened. Hannah called. She will get 30,000 yen from the city, about £150! I have no idea why but she has to fill out a form and she will get the money next month. Still leaves her short this month but she can manage now!

She called back an hour later. The cram school that she is working at has a branch near her apartment, they are looking for teachers. She is going to ask her manager if she can transfer to that branch.

I'm always skeptical when I read about how people change their thinking and then something great happens but this time it happened to me!!

Then there was my hospital appointment.

My check-up yesterday was okay. My numbers are good. My a1c number was a bit higher, but this test checks glucose levels over 2 to 3 months, so I expected it to be a bit off because of Christmas and New Year. This time it was 6.1, the last test in December was 6.0. Back to better eating!

Also, the doctor encouraged me to exercise more to help lower my blood pressure. I noticed that on the days that I was out working in the garden or walking a lot my blood pressure was lower in the evenings. So I'm going to try and do more walking!

I went for a little walk with Christopher today, about 10 minutes. It was nice to get out. I took some lovely photos.

Camellias by our shed

View of our land

Coming back I noticed that the other trees in our garden are also in bloom.

trees in bloom

My default setting seems to be complaining but I'm going to try and change that, to look for things to be grateful for, even when things are hard!

Hina Matsuri

 Today is Hina Matsuri.

The Hinamatsuri Festival (ひなまつり) is celebrated on March 3 and is also known as the Doll Festival or Girls’ Day in Japan.  The word “hina” (雛) means something small and adorable, while “matsuri” means festival. It's a day to offer prayers for your daughters. May 5th is Children's Day where the focus is on boys!

Some families display Hina dolls. I've seen these displays in kindergarten, they are very beautiful but always look very delicate.  

Hina Matsuri display

The top two dolls are the Emperor and Empress, next are the 3 court ladies to attend the Empress. Below them are five musicians, next are two ministers and last are 3 servants who work in the Imperial household.

The dolls are displayed from mid-February until March 3rd. One superstition says that if the dolls aren't put away on time the daughter's marriage will be delayed!

This is another festival that is still popular in Japan. I think it's nice to have a day to celebrate our children.  I never had Hina Dolls for Hannah, I think in a lot of families these are passed down but my mother-in-law only had boys.  I thought about buying them but they are very expensive, a full set can cost up to £2000!! We would have a nice meal and some years go and visit a public display.

A Little Start

 I dream of having my garden full of vegetables.  That I can decide on what to cook by seeing what I have ready to harvest.

This morning David and I went to check out what seedlings were available.  We walked round the home center for ages trying to figure out what to buy. We also wanted potting soil to start them in but neither of us had a clue as to what would be good. So we decided to buy just four little seedlings.  Two lettuce, one broccoli, and one strawberry. We bought some potting soil that promised good vegetables! We will see.

lettuce

broccoli

strawberries

David planted them in seed boxes as we still need to clear the area that we want to use.  

Another problem is the weather and people's schedules. When the weather is nice everyone is busy with work, when we have free time the weather is bad!  Today everyone is free but it's been raining all day!

I think I'll have to study about growing vegetables. The problem is I can study about basic gardening but I have no idea about the climate here and how it will affect growing things. Another challenge.

I noticed that more of the plum trees have started to blossom.

Two more trees in blossom

I'm really glad that they are blooming as I thought they had died! Maybe we can get some plums!!