I have to loose weight. I know that I keep saying that and doing nothing about it. But I am in a dilemma. I have two choices, keep doing what I am doing, gain weight every year, risk getting diabetes, heart problems and less mobility or change my life style, eat healthy, exercise, gain more mobility and maybe a few more years of life. Putting it down in black and white the choice is obvious, eat healthy, move more, live longer. But that doesn't take into account my feeling, the struggle I have with food. I love food, I love to cook and bake. I could spend hours in the kitchen and even more hours eating what I make. It also doesn't take into account that food comforts me, that a donut or a piece of cake won't criticize me, tell me that I am worthless and that I have failed at everything. It just is, sweet and comforting for those few minutes that I have it. All rather childish but that is what I am struggling.
So what to do?
I know, grow up and get a grip!
The only way I can do this is to take one day at a time, even one hour at a time.
And maybe get somewhere with loosing this weight!
I will try to post updates but don't hold your breath!
Today the weather is nice.
I am thinking about spring cleaning, I can see so much dust collecting, little corners that need to be cleaned out. If the weather stays nice this week I'll make a start.
I have so much "stuff" here, far too much for this house, so I am hoping to take things over to MIL's. She has a big store house, we have always kept the stuff we aren't using there. But even that needs to be sorted and stuff actually thrown away. Lot to get done!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
On Being Loved
Shortly after my husband died I joined an online community for widows and widowers! I don't post very often but I do read what other people have to say. These people really understand. Over the Valentines Day holiday many people wrote about how lonely they felt, no cards or flowers to celebrate their love. One post stood out for me. A woman wrote that she felt that life was really to short to sit around pinning, that she felt blessed by the love of her family and friends, that she had been loved by a wonderful man.
When I thought about her letter I realised that this is a very good way to think about things. I tend to get to be rather self pitying, poor me, my hubby died, I live in Japan, am struggling everyday with doing I what I need to do. But if I stop and think about it why poor me? I was loved and cared for. I knew a love that many people only dream of. Hubby and I were not perfect, we had incredible fights, we very often didn't see eye to eye on things. But I was never afraid that our fights would mean the end of our marriage. I knew that no matter how hard things got, how much we fought we loved each other. And I know that I am very lucky to have experienced that. Do I miss hubby, yes, everyday, every second of everyday. But I need to be able to move forward, to let the love we share fuel me to do the things I need to do. Will I never have a day when I would spend ALL Day in bed than face the world? Of course not, grief is really a roller coaster but I feel the dips aren't as dark or deep as they were even a few weeks ago. I know that hubby loved life, loved me and the kids and I want to honor him and the only way to do that is live and love. I feel that is what he would want me to do!
On a lighter note I asked Mikey to take me to the big Aeon Mall near here. They have a small shop that sells imported food, not a great selection but they have herbal tea. I love tea, ordinary everyday day tea but I got into the habit of wanting a cup of tea and some sort of snack in the evening when I finish work. To stop that I decided to drink herb tea. It helps. so a few nights a week I have herb tea and no snacks!
When I thought about her letter I realised that this is a very good way to think about things. I tend to get to be rather self pitying, poor me, my hubby died, I live in Japan, am struggling everyday with doing I what I need to do. But if I stop and think about it why poor me? I was loved and cared for. I knew a love that many people only dream of. Hubby and I were not perfect, we had incredible fights, we very often didn't see eye to eye on things. But I was never afraid that our fights would mean the end of our marriage. I knew that no matter how hard things got, how much we fought we loved each other. And I know that I am very lucky to have experienced that. Do I miss hubby, yes, everyday, every second of everyday. But I need to be able to move forward, to let the love we share fuel me to do the things I need to do. Will I never have a day when I would spend ALL Day in bed than face the world? Of course not, grief is really a roller coaster but I feel the dips aren't as dark or deep as they were even a few weeks ago. I know that hubby loved life, loved me and the kids and I want to honor him and the only way to do that is live and love. I feel that is what he would want me to do!
On a lighter note I asked Mikey to take me to the big Aeon Mall near here. They have a small shop that sells imported food, not a great selection but they have herbal tea. I love tea, ordinary everyday day tea but I got into the habit of wanting a cup of tea and some sort of snack in the evening when I finish work. To stop that I decided to drink herb tea. It helps. so a few nights a week I have herb tea and no snacks!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
BAD BLOGGER
I know and I'm sorry. I have many excuses for not writing but no real reason.
One thing is that I am struggling with this new year. The second year since my husband passed away. I thought it would be easier but it isn't. I kept telling myself to get through 2013 and things would be better. But the first year of grief is filled with lots of practical things to do and that helps in a way. There is also some dumb hope, the hope that this a nightmare and that one will wake up and find that nothing has changed. The second year it, the loniness, the fear, the raw grief and pain become more real. The realisation that things aren't going to change, that he has gone and will not be walking in through the door become crushingly real and each day passes in pain that is so deep, so crushing that even getting out bed takes energy. But with four kids ( two are young adults but still live at home), a house and business to run I have to get up and do things. It is hard some days, some days I wake up and count the hours until I can escape back to bed. I try to be okay for the kids, we have some laughs and I enjoy being with them. We watch DVDs together or play board games. I walk the dog with Christopher, go shopping with Mikey or David and watch CATS musical endless times with Hannah. I cook and bake, clean, do laundry and teach, the usual stuff that makes up my days, weeks and months. But I feel hollow, as if a part of me is missing and I guess in a way it is! Hisao was really my better half, he made me feel whole and I miss that. I miss so much about him, he ways, his stupid jokes, the way he looked at me and I knew what he was thinking. I miss his ability to discipline the kids, I am a soft touch, he was the one who could push the kids to do study. There was a nice balance there, I miss that!
But I have to live, I have to take care of our kids and give them a good future. So I am trying!
One thing that helps me a lot are the letters that Hisao sent me, a long time ago. I kept them and they really help me now. In every letter he says how much he loves me and that really helps. As I read the letters I can hear his voice and I get great comfort in that!
So what has been happening here. I bought a new fridge last week. The freezer ha broken in my old one and it was making a lot of noise. I got a good deal, I think, almost half price! It's not as big as my old one. The old one was very tall, the idea was to put snack on the top shelf to stop the kids getting at them. In the past couple of years it has been me who couldn't reach the top shelf. When David cleaned out the old one he was commenting on how old some of the stuff was, one bottle of sauce was dated 1999!!! Yikes!
The kids are doing well. School is in the last term of the year, almost finished. David graduates from high school this March, he will study psychology at university, he plans to practice on me!
Hannah goes into the 6th grade, that is hard to believe. Christopher starts 2nd year of high school. Time really flies!
I will get back into updating, I promise!
One thing is that I am struggling with this new year. The second year since my husband passed away. I thought it would be easier but it isn't. I kept telling myself to get through 2013 and things would be better. But the first year of grief is filled with lots of practical things to do and that helps in a way. There is also some dumb hope, the hope that this a nightmare and that one will wake up and find that nothing has changed. The second year it, the loniness, the fear, the raw grief and pain become more real. The realisation that things aren't going to change, that he has gone and will not be walking in through the door become crushingly real and each day passes in pain that is so deep, so crushing that even getting out bed takes energy. But with four kids ( two are young adults but still live at home), a house and business to run I have to get up and do things. It is hard some days, some days I wake up and count the hours until I can escape back to bed. I try to be okay for the kids, we have some laughs and I enjoy being with them. We watch DVDs together or play board games. I walk the dog with Christopher, go shopping with Mikey or David and watch CATS musical endless times with Hannah. I cook and bake, clean, do laundry and teach, the usual stuff that makes up my days, weeks and months. But I feel hollow, as if a part of me is missing and I guess in a way it is! Hisao was really my better half, he made me feel whole and I miss that. I miss so much about him, he ways, his stupid jokes, the way he looked at me and I knew what he was thinking. I miss his ability to discipline the kids, I am a soft touch, he was the one who could push the kids to do study. There was a nice balance there, I miss that!
But I have to live, I have to take care of our kids and give them a good future. So I am trying!
One thing that helps me a lot are the letters that Hisao sent me, a long time ago. I kept them and they really help me now. In every letter he says how much he loves me and that really helps. As I read the letters I can hear his voice and I get great comfort in that!
So what has been happening here. I bought a new fridge last week. The freezer ha broken in my old one and it was making a lot of noise. I got a good deal, I think, almost half price! It's not as big as my old one. The old one was very tall, the idea was to put snack on the top shelf to stop the kids getting at them. In the past couple of years it has been me who couldn't reach the top shelf. When David cleaned out the old one he was commenting on how old some of the stuff was, one bottle of sauce was dated 1999!!! Yikes!
The kids are doing well. School is in the last term of the year, almost finished. David graduates from high school this March, he will study psychology at university, he plans to practice on me!
Hannah goes into the 6th grade, that is hard to believe. Christopher starts 2nd year of high school. Time really flies!
I will get back into updating, I promise!
Friday, January 10, 2014
WOW
I can't believe that it is almost the middle of the month!!! Where has time gone?
So to back track a bit!
New Year's Eve the kids and I just stayed home. I made party food and we watched a movie. After that the kids went upstairs, I could hear them laughing and fooling around. It's nice that they are happy to hang out together. They were having a tournament, cards, chess, darts and shogi. Whoever won the most games was the tournament winner! At midnight we watched the New Year being rung in at the various temples across Japan. I never feel like going to these places, too cold and too many people. I like the comfort of my home!
New Years Day we just hung at home. I went to the local mall to check out the price of fridges but the electric store was closed!
So to back track a bit!
New Year's Eve the kids and I just stayed home. I made party food and we watched a movie. After that the kids went upstairs, I could hear them laughing and fooling around. It's nice that they are happy to hang out together. They were having a tournament, cards, chess, darts and shogi. Whoever won the most games was the tournament winner! At midnight we watched the New Year being rung in at the various temples across Japan. I never feel like going to these places, too cold and too many people. I like the comfort of my home!
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| Party food |
January 5th was Christopher's birthday and January 9th Mikey's birthday! I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Mikey is now 22, how did that happen!
So 2014! Not sure how I feel about that! Last year was tough and I am glad that it is over. But I am moving away from my memories of Hisao and that makes me sad! This time last year I could think that the year before he was here with me. Now I can't!
One thing I must do is loose weight! i have already lost the 2kgs I put on over the holidays. Just another 30 to go! But I would settle to 10!!! So I will try and write bout that as well!!!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Oosouji big cleaning
In Japan there is a tradition of doing big clean before the new year. I usually get my cleaning finished before Christmas. But this is not a usual year and it has taken a lot more energy to get things done than normal. Yesterday I rallied the troops and gave orders. It's the only way to get anything done. David managed to change the filters on hood above the stove. That was always hubby's job and i had no idea how to do it. Took a few hours but he got it done. Managed to get the stove top cleaned down. Also moved the furniture around in the living room. Looks a lot better!
I was shocked at how much I had let things go this past year. I just stopped caring, most days couldn't be bothered. I think grief is very exhausting. So from tomorrow 2014 I have to try better, not only taking care of my home but taking care of the kids better and better care of myself. I'm not making resolutions, I only break them but I want to improve my life. I never wanted this life but it's what I have and I need to make it good.
So Happy New Year!
I was shocked at how much I had let things go this past year. I just stopped caring, most days couldn't be bothered. I think grief is very exhausting. So from tomorrow 2014 I have to try better, not only taking care of my home but taking care of the kids better and better care of myself. I'm not making resolutions, I only break them but I want to improve my life. I never wanted this life but it's what I have and I need to make it good.
So Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Looking Back on 2013
This has been one long hard year. I hope never to repeat it again! The first few months I was in a fog, in total shock. I kept thinking that I would wake up and find that it was all some awful nightmare! But of course it isn't! I think that the brain protects itself by putting you a daze to get through the worst times. The problems start when the fog lifts and the realisation hits that things aren't going to get better and only time (lots of time) can help! I remember one day in the summer thinking that I felt so much better, then breaking down crying and sobbing for over an hour. That is grief, it is raw and unrelenting. I miss my husband every second of everyday, I think about him all the time, the kids talk about him a lot. Not a day goes by when at least one conversation starts with "Do you remember when Dad..........".
But we keep on going, some days I had to take things one hour at a time. I would tell myself you get through this hour, just get to lunch time. Some days only the very basics would get done, laundry, food cooked, and lessons taught! And I was okay with that!
In March Christopher finished junior high school and got into high school. In Japan there are ceremonies to celebrate these times. I felt so strange not having Hisao there with me. I fixed a smile to my face and went through the motions.
May was Hannah's birthday, that was hard because of the circumstance of her birth (she was premature, just 900 grams at birth) her birthday was really celebrated as a miracle! The fact that she not only survived when the doctors gave her only a 30% chance but she doesn't have any problems is a real miracle. Hisao made a fuss of all the birthdays but Hannah's was special. I missed Hisao a lot on that day as well.
Summer was it's usual hell, the heat and humidity here are really hard for me. Mikey went to driving school for two weeks and got his licence. We got a car in October and despite few near missed his driving is getting very good!
I know at lot happened this year, but it really was a year of just getting through. I hope that 2014 will be better!
But we keep on going, some days I had to take things one hour at a time. I would tell myself you get through this hour, just get to lunch time. Some days only the very basics would get done, laundry, food cooked, and lessons taught! And I was okay with that!
In March Christopher finished junior high school and got into high school. In Japan there are ceremonies to celebrate these times. I felt so strange not having Hisao there with me. I fixed a smile to my face and went through the motions.
May was Hannah's birthday, that was hard because of the circumstance of her birth (she was premature, just 900 grams at birth) her birthday was really celebrated as a miracle! The fact that she not only survived when the doctors gave her only a 30% chance but she doesn't have any problems is a real miracle. Hisao made a fuss of all the birthdays but Hannah's was special. I missed Hisao a lot on that day as well.
Summer was it's usual hell, the heat and humidity here are really hard for me. Mikey went to driving school for two weeks and got his licence. We got a car in October and despite few near missed his driving is getting very good!
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| Bad day, me doing computer games and watching TV |
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| Sports Day at Hannah's school |
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| Halloween |
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| Going to school camp for three days |
Friday, December 27, 2013
COLD
It is very cold today! I even put a coat on to run to the shop this morning, so it must of been cold!
It snowed for about an hour, quite a few flurry's but it didn't stick. I am glad to have a kotasu table to sit under and stay warm! For those who don't know what a kotasu is here is an article from Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kotatsu
But one problem with a kotasu is that you are warm until moving!!! And I don't want to move at all.
I managed to get a couple of jobs done. Sorted out a load of books for recycle. Called Book Off but they don't do pick up service at this time of year. Mikey and David took some books and got 300yen and a 50 yen discount ticket! I found another online service, they took a box today so I'll see how much they give and then decide what to do with the thousands of books we have!
I also took down the Christmas decorations! I feel sad seeing the tree after Christmas. I had the decorations up for a month, so taking them down refreshes the area. The living room looks a lot bigger now!
And I get some family photos taken. Only took the best part of an hour, not the usual 3 hours!
One with the kids being daft, the other kind of okay!!
It snowed for about an hour, quite a few flurry's but it didn't stick. I am glad to have a kotasu table to sit under and stay warm! For those who don't know what a kotasu is here is an article from Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kotatsu
But one problem with a kotasu is that you are warm until moving!!! And I don't want to move at all.
I managed to get a couple of jobs done. Sorted out a load of books for recycle. Called Book Off but they don't do pick up service at this time of year. Mikey and David took some books and got 300yen and a 50 yen discount ticket! I found another online service, they took a box today so I'll see how much they give and then decide what to do with the thousands of books we have!
I also took down the Christmas decorations! I feel sad seeing the tree after Christmas. I had the decorations up for a month, so taking them down refreshes the area. The living room looks a lot bigger now!
And I get some family photos taken. Only took the best part of an hour, not the usual 3 hours!
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