BAD BLOGGER

I know and I'm sorry.  I have many excuses for not writing but no real reason.
One thing is that I am struggling with this new year.  The second year since my husband passed away.  I thought it would be easier but it isn't.  I kept telling myself to get through 2013 and things would be better.  But the first year of grief is filled with lots of practical things to do and that helps in a way. There is also some dumb hope, the hope that this a nightmare and that one will wake up and find that nothing has changed.  The second year it, the loniness, the fear, the raw grief and pain become more real.  The realisation that things aren't going to change, that he has gone and will not be walking in through the door become crushingly real and each day passes in pain that is so deep, so crushing that even getting out bed takes energy.  But with four kids ( two are young adults but still live at home), a house and business to run I have to get up and do things.  It is hard some days, some days I wake up and count the hours until I can escape back to bed.  I try to be okay for the kids, we have some laughs and I enjoy being with them.  We watch DVDs together or play board games.  I walk the dog with Christopher, go shopping with Mikey or David and watch CATS musical endless times with Hannah.  I cook and bake, clean, do laundry and teach, the usual stuff that makes up my days, weeks and months.  But I feel hollow, as if a part of me is missing and I guess in a way it is!  Hisao was really my better half, he made me feel whole and I miss that.  I miss so much about him, he ways, his stupid jokes,  the way he looked at me and I knew what he was thinking.  I miss his ability to discipline the kids,   I am a soft touch, he was the one who could push the kids to do study.  There was a nice balance there, I miss that!
But I have to live, I have to take care of our kids and give them a good future.  So I am trying!
One thing that helps me a lot are the letters that Hisao sent me, a long time ago.  I kept them and they really help me now.  In every letter he says how much he loves me and that really helps. As I read the letters I can hear his voice and I get great comfort in that!
So what has been happening here.  I bought a new fridge last week.  The freezer ha broken in my old one and it was making a lot of noise.  I got a good deal, I think, almost half price! It's not as big as my old one.  The old one was very tall, the idea was to put snack on the top shelf to stop the kids getting at them.  In the past couple of years it has been me who couldn't reach the top shelf.  When David cleaned out the old one he was commenting on how old some of the stuff was, one bottle of sauce was dated 1999!!!  Yikes!
The kids are doing well.  School is in the last term of the year, almost finished.  David graduates from high school this March, he will study psychology at university, he plans to practice on me!
Hannah goes into the 6th grade, that is hard to believe.  Christopher starts 2nd year of high school.  Time really flies!
I will get back into updating, I promise!