This past month has been hard for me. Lots of decisions to be made. lots of things that have left me feeling lonely. Most days I really miss my husband!
It all started when Mikey took the car for the shaken test, the roadworthy test that cars have to go through every two years! Mikey took the the car to a local garage, they gave an estimate for the car! Mikey came back white. To fix the car would cost more than we paid for it in the first place. The garage recommended not driving it as where the wheels were attached to the axle was almost shorn off! So what to do? I know very little about cars, Mikey even less! I finally asked one of my husband's friends to come and have a look at the car and the report. He recommended getting a different car, he also put us in touch with somebody who could help. So after a month of feeling bad because we lost money on the first car we managed to get a much better car! A second hand car but it is a lot better than the first. We have a car loan to pay but I can deal with that!
The next thing was the camera not working. It had been bad since last October, sometimes working, sometimes not! The in January it gave out altogether! I love having a camera, I love taking photos and this spring we have a lot of things happening. So I need a camera! I had some money left over from Christmas so I bought a nice camera! David really loves it! He has spent a long time playing around with it!
Then came the awful discovery! Last week the vision in my left eye became blurred. I thought it was because of seasonal allergies! So I went off to the doctor thinking that I would get some eye drops. Turns out that I have a cataract on my eye and I have to have an operation to change the lens. I know this is not a big operation, most hospitals you can go home the same day but I felt really unnerved by the news. I felt so alone, I really missed hubby that day. So I really hope all the terrible things that are going to happen in this year are finished with and that things can get better!
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
What a crazy couple of weeks!
The past couple of weeks have flown by in a whirl of non stop activity!
From January 6th to 9th Christopher had his school trip. To Nigata, Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo Sky Tree. Of course I worried, for nothing, he had a great time, even if his skiing traumatised him for life! He enjoyed Disneyland and Sky Tree more, but was shocked at how expensive everything was!
A few photos from his trip
January 9th was Mikey's birthday! 23, he says he feels old! How should I feel then!
We couldn't celebrate on that day, just too busy. So on the 12th we went to lunch with another family. I was a bit worried, my Japanese is so-so but I managed to keep up with the conversation and even joined in!
I have a load more to write but have to teach!
More another day!
From January 6th to 9th Christopher had his school trip. To Nigata, Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo Sky Tree. Of course I worried, for nothing, he had a great time, even if his skiing traumatised him for life! He enjoyed Disneyland and Sky Tree more, but was shocked at how expensive everything was!
A few photos from his trip
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| Sky Tree |
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| Entrance to Sky Tree |
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| Christopher got lucky, the view was good, he could see Mt Fuji! |
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| From the top! |
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| At the hotel |
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| Nice pressies! |
January 9th was Mikey's birthday! 23, he says he feels old! How should I feel then!
We couldn't celebrate on that day, just too busy. So on the 12th we went to lunch with another family. I was a bit worried, my Japanese is so-so but I managed to keep up with the conversation and even joined in!
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| The Birthday Boys enjoying ice cream! |
I have a load more to write but have to teach!
More another day!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Christopher and Computers
Monday was Christopher's birthday. He was 17 years old! As always I am having a hard time with the idea that my youngest son is now 17. I don't feel old enough! When I think of Christopher this is the image I have
his 5th birthday! Or maybe this
when he started junior high school!
But now he is a young man of 17!
He loves his games but also loves to reads!!
This year he has to decide which university he wants to attend and study for the entrance tests.
Tuesday he and all the other 2nd graders from his school are on their school trip. one and half days skiing, one day at Tokyo Disneyland and a morning at Tokyo Skytree!! Nice little adventure for them, maybe the last free time for a year!! Of course I am worried, because of so many bad experiences with teachers over the years I don't trust them at all, not with the safety of my kids!! But I know if I stopped Christopher from going I would regret it!! I will be glad when he gets back on Friday!
To add to my stress on Monday both the computers I use crashed!!! We had no internet which is bad but the thing that stressed me the most was not being able to access the photos I have, especially of my husband!! David managed to change out the hard disk from the computer I was using and get one working again!! Then he managed to back up the photos onto an external hard disk. Next he needs to back up our homepage so that we have a copy some where safe. Looks like I will have to buy a knew computer soon! I was shocked that some parts of the computer were 10 years old!!!
Hope to have some photos when Christopher gets back!!!
his 5th birthday! Or maybe this
But now he is a young man of 17!
This year he has to decide which university he wants to attend and study for the entrance tests.
Tuesday he and all the other 2nd graders from his school are on their school trip. one and half days skiing, one day at Tokyo Disneyland and a morning at Tokyo Skytree!! Nice little adventure for them, maybe the last free time for a year!! Of course I am worried, because of so many bad experiences with teachers over the years I don't trust them at all, not with the safety of my kids!! But I know if I stopped Christopher from going I would regret it!! I will be glad when he gets back on Friday!
To add to my stress on Monday both the computers I use crashed!!! We had no internet which is bad but the thing that stressed me the most was not being able to access the photos I have, especially of my husband!! David managed to change out the hard disk from the computer I was using and get one working again!! Then he managed to back up the photos onto an external hard disk. Next he needs to back up our homepage so that we have a copy some where safe. Looks like I will have to buy a knew computer soon! I was shocked that some parts of the computer were 10 years old!!!
Hope to have some photos when Christopher gets back!!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Happy New Year 2015
I can't believe that it is already 2015, where does time go?
Last year was a lot harder than I thought it would be! All the books on grief I had read and peoples experience said that the second year after the death of a loved one was the hardest! I thought the first year was hard but everybody was right, the second year really sucks! Most of the first year I was in fog of shock, nothing was real! I would wake up and hope that it was all a bad dream and Hisao would be downstairs waiting for me! As the second year wore on I realised that this is my life, that things weren't going to change unless I made the change. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO!!!!
I wanted to go back to what I thought of as my "real" life, the normal daily round of chores and work with Hisao! The first half of 2014 I thought I was okay but as the heat and humidity of summer started I realised that I was actually very depressed. Being physically unwell during the summer really pushed me down. I didn't want to do anything, even the daily chores seemed liked a burden that I couldn't face. I thought about going to the doctors but decided that being drugged up wouldn't help at all! I looked around for some inspiration to help me move forward out of my depression, and I found it in my children. I made myself slow down and watch the kids and what I found was they have inherited different aspects of Hisao! David shows me the patience that Hisao had when dealing with the electronics in the house. David set up another computer (the one I usually use is really old and makes a lot of noise). David found out how to connect all the computers we have to the internet, he also took out the old DVD player and video machine and set the TV up again! In Hannah I see Hisao's artistic side, he loved to paint and draw. Hannah spends ages drawing. She has decided to join the art club next year in junior high school! With Christopher I see Hisao's love of math. Christopher has no help with is high school math but he is able to deal with it and always gets good points on his tests! And in Mikey I see Hisao's ability to put his best side forward. Even when Hisao was sick he would always be cheerful infront of the students, he would never bring people down by being miserable around them! Mikey is the same. I have seen Mikey looking really tired and rather down but when he goes to teach it is like he flips a switch and is cheerful and full of energy! This realisation dawned on me slowly and I found that I am really grateful for my kids. They give me a reason to go on and a reason to change, to be a better person so I can be a better Mom!
So 2014 was a learning time for me, a lot of internal learning! 2014 was also a time when I realised that without Japanese I can't be independent. So I guess one thing I have to do is get down to some serious study this year! Oh Help!
2015 will bring a few changes. Hannah will graduate elementary school and start junior high school. Christopher has to decide on which university he wants to go to. David is hoping to get a part time job and Mikey wants to study for some qualifications for teaching English!
So Happy New Year to everybody. Let's hope that it's good!
Last year was a lot harder than I thought it would be! All the books on grief I had read and peoples experience said that the second year after the death of a loved one was the hardest! I thought the first year was hard but everybody was right, the second year really sucks! Most of the first year I was in fog of shock, nothing was real! I would wake up and hope that it was all a bad dream and Hisao would be downstairs waiting for me! As the second year wore on I realised that this is my life, that things weren't going to change unless I made the change. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO!!!!
I wanted to go back to what I thought of as my "real" life, the normal daily round of chores and work with Hisao! The first half of 2014 I thought I was okay but as the heat and humidity of summer started I realised that I was actually very depressed. Being physically unwell during the summer really pushed me down. I didn't want to do anything, even the daily chores seemed liked a burden that I couldn't face. I thought about going to the doctors but decided that being drugged up wouldn't help at all! I looked around for some inspiration to help me move forward out of my depression, and I found it in my children. I made myself slow down and watch the kids and what I found was they have inherited different aspects of Hisao! David shows me the patience that Hisao had when dealing with the electronics in the house. David set up another computer (the one I usually use is really old and makes a lot of noise). David found out how to connect all the computers we have to the internet, he also took out the old DVD player and video machine and set the TV up again! In Hannah I see Hisao's artistic side, he loved to paint and draw. Hannah spends ages drawing. She has decided to join the art club next year in junior high school! With Christopher I see Hisao's love of math. Christopher has no help with is high school math but he is able to deal with it and always gets good points on his tests! And in Mikey I see Hisao's ability to put his best side forward. Even when Hisao was sick he would always be cheerful infront of the students, he would never bring people down by being miserable around them! Mikey is the same. I have seen Mikey looking really tired and rather down but when he goes to teach it is like he flips a switch and is cheerful and full of energy! This realisation dawned on me slowly and I found that I am really grateful for my kids. They give me a reason to go on and a reason to change, to be a better person so I can be a better Mom!
So 2014 was a learning time for me, a lot of internal learning! 2014 was also a time when I realised that without Japanese I can't be independent. So I guess one thing I have to do is get down to some serious study this year! Oh Help!
2015 will bring a few changes. Hannah will graduate elementary school and start junior high school. Christopher has to decide on which university he wants to go to. David is hoping to get a part time job and Mikey wants to study for some qualifications for teaching English!
So Happy New Year to everybody. Let's hope that it's good!
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Christmas 2014
We had three days of celebration this year! Although my husband passed away on the 18th we hold a celebration of his life on the 23rd! I cook up his favorite food, we sit around talkng about him, remembering all the things he did and watch a movie together. Nice, simple way to remember Hisao.
I cooked up pork miso soup, tempura, chicken, sashime and a salad. All things he loved, there again he loved whatever I cooked. Even when I messed up the dinner he never complained!
Christmas Eve was busy for me!
Every year I think about wrapping the presents before Christmas and every year I leave it until the last minute. I did better this year, I had most of the presents wrapped but still had to spend about an hour to finish. Would of been less but the tape was keep getting stuck to everything except what I was wrapping.
I spent most of the day in the kitchen. I made a trifle, chocolate pie and a cheese cake. Did party food for dinner. David made nan bread and wrapped sausages in it, very nice. With pizza, salad, eggs, cheese and pears we had a lovely dinner. Watched Patch Adams, kids enjoyed it! Also det up the kindle fire that was a Christams present for all of us!
Christmas morning Hannah tried to drag me out of bed at 6am. I made her wait another hour!
Both Christopher and Hannah got up just before 7. Both excited to see what they had gotten! Of course Hannah got a load of stuff, 3 DVD's! Christopher got a lot of books and some game that he wanted! The other boys wandered down a bit later! We spent a very lazy day, watching TV and messing around! I cooked up chicken this year. I thought about getting a turkey but they were very expensive and to be honest the kids aren't that impressed by it!
Today I have to teach and try and find my kitchen again!
I think everybody had a great Christmas!
I cooked up pork miso soup, tempura, chicken, sashime and a salad. All things he loved, there again he loved whatever I cooked. Even when I messed up the dinner he never complained!
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| Hisao's dinner |
Every year I think about wrapping the presents before Christmas and every year I leave it until the last minute. I did better this year, I had most of the presents wrapped but still had to spend about an hour to finish. Would of been less but the tape was keep getting stuck to everything except what I was wrapping.
I spent most of the day in the kitchen. I made a trifle, chocolate pie and a cheese cake. Did party food for dinner. David made nan bread and wrapped sausages in it, very nice. With pizza, salad, eggs, cheese and pears we had a lovely dinner. Watched Patch Adams, kids enjoyed it! Also det up the kindle fire that was a Christams present for all of us!
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| Christmas Eve dinner |
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| David's sausages wrapped in nan bread |
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| Desserts |
Both Christopher and Hannah got up just before 7. Both excited to see what they had gotten! Of course Hannah got a load of stuff, 3 DVD's! Christopher got a lot of books and some game that he wanted! The other boys wandered down a bit later! We spent a very lazy day, watching TV and messing around! I cooked up chicken this year. I thought about getting a turkey but they were very expensive and to be honest the kids aren't that impressed by it!
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| Christmas Day |
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| Dinner |
Today I have to teach and try and find my kitchen again!
I think everybody had a great Christmas!
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Last Week of Teaching
So all the Christmas Parties are finished. We have a few extra lessons to do but we are finished for this year and I am so happy! I love teaching and Mikey gets better at it all the time but it can be very draining, especially teaching kids.
The last week we did parties for the kids, played some games and Mikey did a little magic show for them, we had a lot of laughs and I think everybody had a good end of year time! For me it was exhausting, I did the usual cookie bake, made over 200 this year, not as many as last year but still a lot. My oven is small so it takes forever to bake the cookies, the mixing is easy and quick, it really is the baking that takes the time!
Saturday was the hardest day for me. Mikey was invited to do 3 magic shows, in 3 different cities! So I was left to teach 8 lessons, I haven't done that many lessons in one day for years! I got through it okay but was totally wiped out at the end! Mikey came back exhausted as well. He had a good time. I am still getting details but the one place he went to had over 300 people! He also went to an old peoples home, he likes that and always has fun with the elderly. He can be very charming and warm, the young kids and old people really love him! I remember when Mikey was a baby I had dreams of him becoming a doctor or lawyer, somebody with a fancy title. Doing magic was not on the radar but he is so happy when he performs and he makes others happy! I think this is better than any fancy title. He doesn't get paid for his shows, just transportation fee and some gift, but he gives his whole heart to the show!
So now I have to finish shopping, tidy up the living room and get ready for our Christmas!
The last week we did parties for the kids, played some games and Mikey did a little magic show for them, we had a lot of laughs and I think everybody had a good end of year time! For me it was exhausting, I did the usual cookie bake, made over 200 this year, not as many as last year but still a lot. My oven is small so it takes forever to bake the cookies, the mixing is easy and quick, it really is the baking that takes the time!
Saturday was the hardest day for me. Mikey was invited to do 3 magic shows, in 3 different cities! So I was left to teach 8 lessons, I haven't done that many lessons in one day for years! I got through it okay but was totally wiped out at the end! Mikey came back exhausted as well. He had a good time. I am still getting details but the one place he went to had over 300 people! He also went to an old peoples home, he likes that and always has fun with the elderly. He can be very charming and warm, the young kids and old people really love him! I remember when Mikey was a baby I had dreams of him becoming a doctor or lawyer, somebody with a fancy title. Doing magic was not on the radar but he is so happy when he performs and he makes others happy! I think this is better than any fancy title. He doesn't get paid for his shows, just transportation fee and some gift, but he gives his whole heart to the show!
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| In some classes the kids won pretend money for using English or doing well on their prints, they used the money to get a small present. |
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| Mikey doing magic. |
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| Some kids really got into the party!! |
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| David helped to cook when I was busy, this is fried rice, made from scratch. |
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Two Years
It is hard to believe that two years have passed by since Hisao died! Where did the time go?
This year is somehow harder! I feel my memories of him are further away than before, if that makes any sense!
I try to face my grief head on but this past summer it felt as if grief was too much for me to handle. I wanted to run away and hide from my feeling but I know that doesn't help in the long run. So I put my brave face on and worked through the pain to a bit better place. I also realised how easy it is to fall into self pity which is not grief. There are questions to which there are no answers, why me? why now? why does my family have to suffer like this? But then why not me? why not now? why not my family? We are all equal under God and other families are suffering more than mine. Falling into these questions doesn't help at all, they just produce negative thinking and an unhealthy self pitying attitiude. Grief is not linear, it is a tangled web of emotions, I can feel sad and happy at the same time. I can have hope and feel despair at the same time. I am both fine and not fine!
I have learnt a lot this past year, I can cope with more things than I thought, I can put a brave face on things and smile through my pain, even if it means curling up and crying after. I can make decisions by myself and help my kids with the decisions they need to make. I am slowly finding confidence in myself! The year has been hard and I guess every year will be hard but I will survive!
This year is somehow harder! I feel my memories of him are further away than before, if that makes any sense!
I try to face my grief head on but this past summer it felt as if grief was too much for me to handle. I wanted to run away and hide from my feeling but I know that doesn't help in the long run. So I put my brave face on and worked through the pain to a bit better place. I also realised how easy it is to fall into self pity which is not grief. There are questions to which there are no answers, why me? why now? why does my family have to suffer like this? But then why not me? why not now? why not my family? We are all equal under God and other families are suffering more than mine. Falling into these questions doesn't help at all, they just produce negative thinking and an unhealthy self pitying attitiude. Grief is not linear, it is a tangled web of emotions, I can feel sad and happy at the same time. I can have hope and feel despair at the same time. I am both fine and not fine!
I have learnt a lot this past year, I can cope with more things than I thought, I can put a brave face on things and smile through my pain, even if it means curling up and crying after. I can make decisions by myself and help my kids with the decisions they need to make. I am slowly finding confidence in myself! The year has been hard and I guess every year will be hard but I will survive!
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| Ten years ago! |
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