Living In An Ageing Nation: My Thoughts On A Recent Parricide Case In Japan

 This post might get a little heavy, so apologies in advance.

It might trigger some people, so if you are sensitive to elder abuse or abuse in general. you might want to skip this post.

I know I said I was going to do a news fast, and I've been very good; this is the first news article I've read in a couple of days!

This came through my Facebook feed. The title stated that a 54-year-old man was arrested after calling the police to say he had choked his father to death.

In Japan, nearly 60% of confirmed elder abuse cases are committed by the victims' children.

When I first came to Japan, I was shocked that adult children could kill their own parents. I understood the pressure that adult kids have to take care of frail parents, especially if dementia is involved. But why go to the extreme of killing?

This puzzled me for many years, until we had to live with my mother-in-law. After a year living with her, I was either going to kill her or commit suicide; it really was that bad.

We moved in with my mother-in-law when Mikey was 18, David 14, Christopher 10 and Hannah 6.

After Hannah's birth, my mental health was very bad. Within a year, I was dealing with Hananah being born extremely premature, with just a 30% chance of surviving; Mikey and David being bullied every day at school, at one point David was almost killed by the class bully; and my Mom passing from terminal cancer. I had no help, no one to talk to, except Hisao. He tried to help, but I was so depressed. Also, he was struggling as well. I was teaching a lot at that time, but I couldn't smile, not even a fake smile; my classes had no energy, as I had no energy. I lost so many students that we couldn't make rent. The only choice was to move in with my mother-in-law.

From the beginning, it was hard. She was in the hospital when we moved in; we had a couple of months to get settled. I remember cleaning out the sink; it was thick with black mould, then I found all the clothes that she had bought- over £5000 worth of clothes that she never wore, that broke me! She never paid Hisao for all the work he did with her; she said she had no money! But she had money to buy clothes! That still gets me now; I see the house is falling to pieces because she never fixed anything. She always said that she didn't have money!

When she came home, she started making demands on me; I had to cook all the meals and keep the house spotless. She wanted things done her way. She yelled at me for over 3 hours, following me from room to room because I didn't know where the hangers for the laundry were. I told her that I would have a look; when I finally found them, she accused me of stealing them. This was constant; she would go round the house looking for things that I had done wrong. She even yelled at me for cutting an orange the wrong way!

The one incident that still breaks my heart is to do with Christopher; he was in the 5th grade at that time, bullying was very bad, the teacher had no control over the class. Hisao explained that Christopher was staying home for a few days because of the bullying; we had an appointment with the headteacher and homeroom teacher. Her response was to tell Christopher that he was being bullied because he was stupid. Not just once, but every time she saw him. He didn't want to eat dinner with us because of that.

Things got very bad when Hisao ended up in the hospital because of kidney failure and water around the heart. He was in the hospital for a month; he came home thin and very weak. My mother-in-law kept saying that Hisao had to work in the fields with her. She then had a go at me for money to pay the bills; I had no money, maybe 100 yen. Every day was a living nightmare.

In the end, Hisao called social services to see if there was any way they could help. I asked if she could go to a day care centre, so we could have a few hours' break, but I was told that she had to decide to do that. 

I told them that I was afraid for my kids' lives; she would walk around the house at night, mumbling and cursing, she refused to eat the food I made, then demanded I make her something. She would hit our dogs with her walking cane, breaking my kids' hearts. Every day was a living nightmare; I cried all the time. My kids lost their smiles. 

What pushed us over the edge was when she locked us out of the house; in the winter, we had to sleep at a friend's house. She then decided that if we were going to live there, Mikey had to quit high school and work with her on the fields, and that I had to help as well.

She was really verbally abusive, calling names, saying snide things to us. She told me that my mother was bad! 

One day I had been to the dentist; I was in pain from the local anaesthetic, she punched me in the face. That was the last straw; we had her committed to a mental hospital.

The point of all this is to show how abuse was swept under the rug by the social services; they couldn't or wouldn't do anything to help. I told them that I wasn't sleeping because of her wandering around at night; I was told to get some sleeping tablets! I begged them to have her put in an old peoples home, even for a couple of months, but they told me that it was up to her; they couldn't do anything. The idea to put her in a mental hospital came from a police officer!

This is the reality of the elderly in Japan. There is very little help or support for families. Caregivers aren't helped; there isn't any kind of break for them. There are a lot of old people's homes, but they are expensive, and so a lot of old people either live alone (and die alone) or are taken care of by their families, who have very little support. 

Living day in and day out without an end to the emtional/verbal abuse broke me. I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't eat, I worried constantly about my kids, what was this doing to them. I asked if there was a shelter that I could take the kids to for a few days, just to sleep and not worry that she might hurt the kids, but I was told that unless she hurt us, then there was nothing they could do.

I really understood why people kill their parents.

It's sad; the people who gave birth to you and raised you become unrecognisable as they age. They change into monsters, demanding things that you can't give. They hurt you constantly and have no idea that they are doing this. 

I tried so hard to feel empathy for my mother-in-law, but having my heart broken daily was so hard. I wanted my kids to love their grandmother, but they saw all the horrible things in her that they couldn't love her at all.

We managed to move out; I refused to tell her our address. Hisao went to visit her as often as he could; I would send meals when he went.

It took a long time to recover; the kids call that year "The year from hell"

I know elder abuse happens; I've heard of elderly people being tied to a bed, so they wouldn't wander off. I know that some old people are neglected or beaten by their family members. I also know that a lot of families suffer because of an elderly relative who is just abusive; the scars might not be physical, but emotional scars run deep!

Japan, as a nation with a lot of elderly people, really needs to find a way to help families in these kinds of situations. In Japan, welfare always starts with your family; if you don't have money, you are told to ask relatives before getting any help from the government; the same with elderly care, the family has to take the burden!

When my mother-in-law ended up in hospital after having a bad fall, we had to take care of her. David and I spent hours going to the hospital, meeting with doctors and social workers. She thought that I would drop everything and come and take care of her. I told the social worker that I was a single mother with two kids still in full-time education, that I had to work to pay for everything. The social worker rolled her eyes and said that they would find a way to support my mother-in-law at home. 

My mother-in-law passed away in 2020; nobody came to her funeral, and nobody cried.  A sad ending to a sad life.

My mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law at Hisao's cousin's wedding.

My mother-in-law when I first came to Japan.

One of the reasons I struggle with this house is because of the memories from that year! Before we moved in, I was cleaning the frosted glass doors to the bedroom that she used. I saw these white streaks; it was milk that she threw at me one time. I don't remember why, but she threw a carton of milk at me; it smashed on the door and broke. I cleaned the floor but left the door. She never cleaned it; after 17 years, the dried milk was still there! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I saw that milk!

I hope I won't get like that as I age. I would hate for my kids to take care of me if I'm mean and spiteful. I know that dementia is possible, which is why I try to study and keep friendships. It's also part of the motivation to get healthy! I don't want to burden my kids!

News Fast

 I think I need a news fast. 

I know that the world is crazy, that there are people out there who are unhinged or just so entitled that they don't care who they hurt to get what they want. I know that politicians care more about their position than the people they should be serving, and that keeping that position often means making deals with the devil. 

But I really can't take any more. My heart breaks when I see the riots in the UK, both in Belfast and Southampton. I understand the anger of the rioters, but I wonder if it really helps. Will the powers that be stand up and do something? 

I'm saddened that the country I grew up in is being destroyed by violence, not just the illegal immigrants, but young people who seem to think that stabbing someone is the only way to get what they want.

Every time I turn on my computer, I'm met with headlines saying that another young life has been cut short or another kid is fighting for their life in hospital. Today, for example, a 14-year-old girl has been charged with attempted murder after a knife attack at school. Is this the new norm? 

When I was 14 and upset at someone, we would call names, maybe have a fight with pulled hair, but taking a knife to someone was something I never would have imagined doing.

Japan is also not as peaceful or safe as it used to be. The body of a 17-year-old high school girl was found under a bridge. Her ex-boyfriend, who is 19, has admitted to killing her.

Crimes in Japan have risen recently. Murder and robbery have gone up by 3.6%.

Reading these reports or watching the news has made me feel very anxious. I feel so sad and defeated by the evil I see. At the same time, I know that a lot of the news is exaggerated to catch people's attention.

For example, according to most news outlets, the UK is about to erupt into total lawlessness and Shari Law is just around the corner. When I ask family and friends who are living there, they say that, yes, some areas are bad but not everywhere.

The same in Japan: there are more murders, rapes and robberies, but it might be that people are reporting these crimes more, especially the rapes and robberies!

Today, I scrolled through the news on my computer, sighed and cried, felt defeated and powerless. I realised that reading or watching the news isn't helping me at all. I don't need to know what is happening across the world all the time. So I'm going on a news fast. My computer will still open up to the news; I could change it, but that would take time. So I'll just ignore it! 

I want to focus on being positive; I'm really trying to let go of my negative thinking. A lot of the negativity I feel is fueled by the news, so a news fast for a few weeks might help me. My kids always say that I can't do anything, that just moaning and whining about things isn't going to help.

I want happy news; drop a comment if you have some happy news! 

My happy news this week was that my blood pressure was down!

Maybe a weekly post on happy news is in order!

This is a photo of the "jungle" outside of my kitchen door. Google made it into a stylised photo!

I was trying to take a photo of the sunset.

This is the original.

Hospital Visit

 Yesterday was my yearly check-up for cancer and my 3-monthly check for diabetes and high blood pressure.

I am beyond grateful that I live in a country that has good health services; I can't imagine waiting for months to see a doctor and then having to wait for ages to get test results. Health services aren't free in Japan; everyone pays into a national insurance scheme and then pays 30% when we go to the doctor or dentist. There are private insurance companies that offer health insurance, but I think the national insurance is good. 

The tests I had done yesterday aren't invasive and basically pain-free.

Except for the mammogram. I know the ladies out there know what I'm talking about.

The technician yesterday was very apologetic about squishing my breast between two plates! As she walked away to take the X-ray, she said, "Please don't move". I'm thinking I can't, then I started to wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake; does the machine have a safety release mechanism? I could just imagine the news headlines "Foreigner loses breast during earthquake!"

After the mammogram I had a CT scan, which was very quick!

The last test was an echo scan. I was called into the room; the technician greeted me by shouting "Ohayo Gozaimasu" Good Morning at the top of her lungs. I wanted to say that I'm a foreigner, not deaf! I asked her to check under my left armpit, as sometimes it becomes swollen. She asked a few questions in a normal voice that I could answer, then she asked me to lie on the bed, again yelling! I guess that is her default setting, as a lot of patients are very old!

The tests took about an hour to finish; the hospital was very busy. Not only do they have an outpatient department but a few wards as well. The patients on the wards are brought down for tests and scans as well. Most of the time, these appointments run very smoothly; the way the system is organised is very good. The only time things are delayed is if there is an emergency and the staff are called to attend to it!

Again, all my numbers are good! I was shocked at my blood pressure; I haven't taken meds for a while as I've been having problems with side effects! At home, my blood pressure was between 120/80 to 135/90. The first number is great; higher than that can be worrying, but I've noticed that the days it's higher are the days that my allergies have been bad! Yesterday at the hospital, my blood pressure was 115/75!

Today I'm wiped out. Wednesday is one of my teaching days, so after the hospital we came home, Mikey took me, had lunch, a little rest, then back to the same city to teach!

I managed to shop and cook lunch; I have to make dinner in a bit, but that's all. Tomorrow I want to ask David to pick the fruit that is growing and falling off the trees!

Some kind of plum!

Also, the blueberries are coming along nicely! I'm looking forward to frozen blueberry yoghurt!

It's Cold

 Maybe cool is a better description!

I'm so happy that the last few days have been cool and not humid, even though it rained all day yesterday!

This time of year I usually have to run my air conditioner, which is alright, but my electric bill doubles. The longer I can survive without running the air conditioner, the better.

From tomorrow it's going to get hot, 28℃, then it will continue to get hotter and hotter. 

I stopped at a discount supermarket on the way to teaching today. Near the entrance there's a bird's nest.

You can just see the bird's head.

This reminded me of when I first came to Japan. I was pregnant with Mikey and miserable with morning sickness. In the storage place was a bird's nest. My mother-in-law hung an umbrella upside under it. She said it was to catch the bird poop but also to save the baby birds if they fell out of the nest. She told me that it was a good omen for my pregnancy! I don't know if that is a Japanese thing or just my mother-in-law!

It's getting to bedtime. I have a very busy day tomorrow; in the morning I have a hospital appointment. This is the big yearly checkup, lots of tests, nothing invasive or painful, except the mammogram, but a lot of waiting around. In the evening I have classes.

Hisao's Birthday

 Hisao would have been 65 today!

I miss him all the time, but on birthdays and holidays I feel his absence more intensely.

I've been wondering what our lives would be like if Hisao hadn't died. Would we still be living here or would we have kept the house in the next city? Would David have gone to a good university? Would Christopher have gone to the high school he wanted to go to?

So many questions, no answers.

This morning I was alone in the house. I really didn't like the feeling of being by myself. I know that's my future. I hope that David and Christopher will one day get married and have their own families. That would leave me here, by myself. I'm alright with that; it's the natural order of things. Kids grow up and move on with their lives, but the thought of being alone is so sad. 

I used to imagine growing old with Hisao; I used to imagine going on trips with him, visiting all these interesting places in Japan. Finding things to do together. Hisao said once that he wanted to build a little hut on the land that we have further up the mountain, he dreamed of having a little cabin to go to paint. He was a good artist, but after we had kids, he didn't have time or space to paint.

Hisao with his painting.

In high school, Hisao joined the art club. The painting in the picture was one that he did at that time. It was displayed in the local art museum. He was always very proud of that! I wonder what he would think of AI creating art?

I found a few more photos of Hisao.

With Mikey, I still have those cushions!

Christmas in the UK.

With Mikey and David

With all of the kids!

I usually make a nice lunch on birthdays; however, I'm still struggling with my allergies. I feel a lot better than yesterday, but not 100%. I made an obento and breakfast this morning; it usually takes less than 30 minutes to make, but this morning it took over an hour. I had to keep stopping to wipe my nose or to sneeze. I went through four packets of tissues yesterday! 

I think this week I'm going to be playing catch-up with all the chores that need to be done, plus I have a hospital appointment on Wednesday. It's my yearly check-up for cancer and to check my numbers for diabetes. It's going to be a long morning. None of the tests are painful (except the mammogram), but it's a lot of waiting around. At least I can get test results in about an hour! I'll have to find a good book to read!

Another Bad Day

 Another day of sneezing and snuffling. 

I'm surprised that my allergies are so bad at this time of year. Usually by now I would have a few sniffles, but not bad enough that I'm in bed all day.

I planned a nice lunch: ginger pork, salad, rice and miso soup. I tried to cook, but my nose was just dripping, not nice at all. In the end, Christopher made lunch!

Today's lunch.

I'm glad that all my kids can cook. 

Cooking is a useful skill to have. If you can make about 5 different dishes, then you can survive without relying on obentos or takeout food!

One thing that my kids like to do is finding interesting recipes, either from recipe apps or on YouTube; they then experiment with the dishes. A few years ago Mikey came across a recipe that used ice cream to make cakes! For a few weeks, he made different types of cakes, very delicious and moist! Most of the time these experiments work out, occainsonally we have a disaster. But that is all part of the fun!

Christopher also made me some dinner!

Cheese and ham on toast. Salad, egg and sardines in tomato sauce.

It was nice; I think not having to make it myself helped!

I hope I feel better tomorrow, as I have a lot to do!

I Had An Epiphany!

 Yesterday I was trying to delete some of the web pages that I have marked over the last year or so. I was also trying to unsubscribe from some of the YouTube channels that I've subscribed to.

I noticed that a lot of these sites and channels were to do with making money online. About affiliate marketing, making digital products or writing an ebook. I have drafts of books that I've thought about writing and designs for gratitude journals that are just sitting on my computer.

I realised that I'm always collecting things or ideas!

I think I talked about this when I was writing about my Japanese study: how, instead of studying, I just look for more materials, new books, and YouTube channels for listening. Then I wonder why my Japanese doesn't improve.

I do the same with books. I have 1000s of books (physical books, not on my Kindle) that I've collected over the years; most I haven't read, but I still download books onto my Kindle almost every day. Last time I checked I have over 6000 books on my Kindle. Also, I have Everand, an app that I pay 1,000 yen a month for, where I have about 400 books saved to read later. I'll write a post another day about how I get free books, legally, for my Kindle.

Yesterday, while I was sitting, enjoying a cup of tea and listening to rain, I began to wonder why I do this. Why do I just collect things but don't use them? Why have I bookmarked so many sites and subscribed to so many channels but haven't done anything with the information?

I realised that, even though they are similar habits, the core emotion is different.

Collecting study materials and books makes me feel secure. Maybe a false security, as I know that a bad storm, fire or earthquake would destroy them, but when I see my books or open my Kindle and see all the books there, I feel relieved; I have something! Childish, maybe, but I went so many years without having books when I first came to Japan that I'm making up for it now!

The collecting of sites and YouTube channels and not using the information is rooted in fear!

Fear of failing. Fear of never getting out of the feeling of lack, of never being able to move forward in life because there isn't enough money.

I look at these ideas, things like making a colouring book to sell on KDP and feel that I could never make anything that good, even with AI. So, I don't bother.

I thought about writing a book about my life in Japan, the ups and downs, the truimphs and disasters, but then I think, nobody would want to read it! Even with AI's help it wouldn't be good enough.

I see all these cute T-shirts people have made to sell, promoting their web page or YouTube channel and I just know that I'd never be able to make anything that cute.

So, I sit and moan, I ask David to try out some of these ideas, he has more skills using the internet and AI, plus he is very good at drawing. I ask Hannah to make designs, again she is a very good artist.

I'm also stuck on the idea that the only way I can make money is to teach English. But I wonder if the whole idea of having a physical classroom and students coming has come to an end. I know some people are still doing well, but they are living in bigger cities, some have building that get a lot of foot traffic, so easy for people to join. 

Where we are living the population is really old and there are very few kids. There are five elementary schools in the area, the kids from these schools all go to the same junior high school. The city has decided to close these schools over the next five years and make one big elementary and junior high school. One closed this spring! That is rather shocking!

After a year of putting leaflets and no calls I think it's safe to say that  teaching here might not be possible.

During my reflection yesterday, I asked myself, "What is the worst thing that can happen if you try one of these online ideas?"

I realised that the worst thing would be wasting my time and maybe a few thousand yen.

So I took a leap of faith and went to Printify. I want to make T-shirts to sell; the theme is from my cat blog 81 Lives......Another Cat Blog

This is a blog about the chaos that my cats cause!

I found the process of designing the T-shirt easy enough.

This is the design I went with. I took off the black background so the colour of the T-shirt shows. And yes, it's AI-designed!

I've ordered one; I want to see what the quality of the T-shirts is first before making more designs. 

While I'm waiting for the T-shirt to come, I have to decide which is the best platform to sell on, either Shopify, which is popular in Japan or Etsy. I also want to see if I can sell them on my Ko-fi page!

I told Hannah what I was doing; she made a design as well. I think hers is really cute, as it shows our cats, but I don't know if it's good for a T-shirt!

These are Hannah's designs.

So I'm going to be trying a few new things: stop collecting and start doing! Time to face the fear!

I don't know if I'll make a lot of money or any money at all, but I do know that if I don't try, I'll never find out!

Wish me luck!