Energy

 I'm not talking about electricity or gas, I'm talking about my energy and how I seem to waste it!

As I'm cleaning out things I keep finding my old journals.  During my frequent breaks, I sit and read through them!  One thing I've found is that I don't learn my lessons.

I came across a diary from 25 years ago.  I had a holiday from teaching, this was in April, so spring holiday.  I wrote that I was making party food for the kids when one of my students turned up.  I had told him that it was a holiday but he forgot, so I had to teach him.  I wrote that I taught him, but inside I was fuming!  I had lost an hour with my kids, lost the time I was using to do something nice for my kids.  I was really angry.  I somehow managed to do a spring party with the kids, we ate nice food and watched a movie together. I realized that I had spent so much energy being angry about something that I couldn't change.  The kid had been dropped off, the mother didn't wait to see if there was a class and we had no way to contact her.  I concluded that I would have felt better if I had just accepted the situation and taught with a better feeling.  I felt so tired having these angry feelings!

But have I learned my lesson?  Of course not.

I still get angry at things I can't change.  I'm angry that I have to move, I'm angry at myself more than anybody else.  I should have taken better care of the yard.  I have excuses, my grief, having cancer, having problems with my knee and just having no energy!  But they are just excuses, I should have pushed the kids to help more.  I should have gone out and done just a few minutes every day instead of letting things get so out of hand that a few hours isn't enough!

Yesterday I was angry at the mess in the kitchen.  David cooked lunch, which I was very grateful for but he left a mess.  I had the most awful headache, a 24-hour headache because of the most incredible storms.  I was tired and irritable. Seeing the mess just pushed me over the edge.  I started to put away the clean dishes but ended up breaking one as I was banging around so much.  I stopped for a bit took a deep breath and remembered what I had written, I couldn't stop the mess, it was already there, but I could talk to David and suggest that he cleans as he cooks.  I calmed down, managed to clean most of the mess, and make dinner, I even baked some muffins.

I might be late but I am learning things.  I am hoping to deal with my flights of anger, to use that energy in a better, more positive way.  

The thunderstorm we had from Tuesday evening to Wednesday night was really bad!  Wednesday morning, 11am, it was as dark as the evening!  So much rain!  In a prefecture near here, about 2 hours drive, a group of high school boys were practicing soccer when lightning struck.  18 were taken to hospital, two of them in critical condition.  Mikey went out, he said that he could see small landslides in the mountains.  I hope our other house is alright, it's at the foot of a mountain, and there is a stream that runs behind the property.  The stream has been concreted and is rather deep, about 3 meters.  Most of the time there is very little water but when we get heavy rain it can fill up very quickly!  Mikey and I can go tomorrow and see if everything is alright!

Fred in his top

Hannah bought this top for Fred, it covers where the cyst was so he can't lick it. He wore it for a couple of days, then he managed to get it off.  We left it off for a few days but noticed that he was bleeding today so Hannah put it back on!

AGE

 I keep seeing on videos, and posts that age is just a number.

I believe that until I go to the other house, spend a day working, and end up feeling like death warmed over the next day.  Then the number of years my body has been on this earth really shows!  One meme going around says "My brain thinks I'm in my 30s, my sense of humor is like a 12-year-old and my body died in the Civil War"  That about sums me up nicely!

The reason I'm writing about age is a documentary I watched the other day about women having babies later in life.  These were ladies in their 40s, 50s and one lady at 60 who had babies.

My question is how do they have the energy to do it?  I won't teach preschool kids because I know that I don't have the energy to engage with them, even for 30 minutes, once a week.  How does a woman having a baby at 60 cope when her baby gets to be 2 years old?  It really made me think.  I know that everybody is different, maybe they don't have health issues, maybe they feel more secure in their relationships and are financially secure so having a baby isn't that daunting?   

The documentary also made me sad.  They interviewed one girl who was just 10 years old, her parents were in their late 50s.  This girl said that she had to be independent because her parents were older and they might die while she was still young.  That's so sad, a ten-year-old shouldn't be thinking like that.  I know Hannah was only 10 when Hisao passed away but that was sudden, she never thought he would die so young!

So how to face aging?  I want to be here for a while longer.  I have a lot of things that I want to do, places to see, experiences to be had.  One thing I've realized is that health, physical and mental health, play an important part in growing old.  

Since I've started to exercise more I do feel a lot better.  I have less pain in my knee.  This time last year I thought I would lose my mobility now I'm moving more.  The other day I went upstairs to get something, I realized that a couple of months ago I would have asked one of the kids to get it for me! Even though my exercises are very gentle it's enough at this time to help me along.  I hope to do more as I feel better.

Mental health is another factor in growing old.  I will admit that the idea of having to start over at 62 is not appealing.  I was hoping to be settled and to focus on other aspects of my life.  Instead, I have to uproot and move to an area and house that does not inspire me.  If you have read any of my posts about the other house you will know that it is driving me crazy.  It's going to be hard, physically and mentally but I've been through worse and survived.  

I am trying to find things to be happy about. I am trying to be positive and find something good in the other house.  It's hard but I have no choice.  One of my friends told me that I shouldn't spend time just moaning, which is very true.  I need to spend time to be productive, to get things done then have time to do things that I enjoy.

In Japan, April is the start of the school year.  Spring is a time of renewal in nature so I am going to try and renew myself.  Be more positive and find good things!

And I know that saying this I'll be challenged when I go to the other house on Friday!

More cherry blossoms

These are from Hannah.  This is a little park near her university!

March

 I got a lot done in March.  Got to the other house a few times.  The two bedrooms are basically empty, one has a mattress that needs to go, the other has stuff that can be burnt. The kitchen cupboards are empty, I've kept a few things, brand new rice bowls and soup bowls that were gifts, a couple of nice trays, again gifts but never used.  We break a lot of things so they will be used!  The big tatami room is almost finished, just a few things on the floor that need to be thrown out.  One corner is piled with stuff I've moved from here, books and curtains mainly.  The veranda still needs to be worked on, boxes of CDs and DVDs but not sure how to dispose of them.  The next thing is to get utilities hooked up and start cleaning. That is going to be hard.  Next time I go I have to be brave and take things out of the toilets.  

My exercise was a bit hit-and-miss.  I did every other day for the past couple of weeks.  I get so tired going to the other house.  Also, spring is really here, on Friday it wasn't moving stuff, walking from one end of the house to the other, climbing stairs that are more like ladders that tired me out, it was running and screaming as bugs started to come out.  I don't like bugs of any kind!  Spiders are okay, the little lizards are okay but bugs have me running.  Good exercise I guess!!!

I noticed that the cherry blossoms are out.  I took a walk to the park on the next block and took a few photos.  Looks really nice but it might rain tomorrow!

The park near the house

April is the new school year in Japan.  Kids change years or change schools, going on to the next level.  It's a time of change.  I'm wondering what other changes will happen this year.  My English school is not doing so well, I'm not the only one, a lot of places are struggling to keep going.  I would love to start a new business but something easy, low-key that I can do.  I keep looking on the internet but most ideas are good in the USA or UK but not here. Any ideas?

Be Positive

 After my last moaning post I decided to message my friend.

I don't have many friends but the ones that I do have, I've known for many, many years and I know I can trust them to tell me the truth, even if it's hard!

The message to my friend went along the lines of how hard it is to move, how this is all (mostly)my MIL's fault, on and on.  One total whinge fest!  My friend wasn't having it.  She told me to stop moaning and just get on with things.

Even though it hurt, it was what I needed.  

That night I was sorting through my books (again, I have so many), trying to decide what I want to keep and what I can let go of.  I came across one of my journals written about 6 months before we were told that we had to leave this house.  In it, I wrote that I was wondering if I could get permission to change the toilet, bathroom, and kitchen here.  If I could choose the company, then get a loan to pay for it.  

This really hit me!  I was willing to pay to renovate a house that will never be mine but not willing to do the same for a house I own.  Talk about stupid!

So I gave myself a good talking to Wednesday night.  I realized a few things.  I either worry too much or moan too much.  With this move, I'm doing both.  I need to let go of the past, the pain and move on with my life.

Is this what I want?  No!!!

Do I have a choice?  Again no!!!

Is moaning and worrying going to change things, of course not!

So what should I do?  Grow up would help!   Stop acting like a kid who didn't get what they want for Christmas. 

I decided to focus on something good in the house.  There are 100's of problems and as I take out more and more stuff I'm sure I'll find more.  But there are some good things! 

There is an engawa, which is like a veranda that has nice views of the garden.  I plan to set up a reading corner there. I'll make a nice cozy corner to relax in.  I'm guessing that in the summer I won't be able to use it, as the air conditioning doesn't extend there but at other times of the year it could be nice.  Also, there is a bench outside of the dining room windows, a nice place to sit, with a cup of tea and watch the mountains.  If I can change the kitchen, I can make it one where I can cook without doing a balancing act!  These are the things I'm going to focus on!  

I've decided to focus on doing what I can do, instead of moaning about what I can't do.  One thing is I can cook good healthy meals.  I enjoy getting in the kitchen, and making good healthy meals.  

Thursday morning I spent time cleaning and cooking.  We had a good lunch,  we were just finishing when some of the cats started fighting.  David went to see and came back in with Fred, one of our grey cats.  One side of Fred was soaking wet, I thought he had got in the shower room but when I looked more closely I realized that it wasn't water but this yellow/brown fluid that was pouring out of a wound.  The cyst had burst!  David was happy that it burst on the corridor which is easy to clean up and not on his bed!

We cleaned Fred but he kept licking it so we put a collar on him but he got that off after a few seconds.  So I found an old T-shirt that belonged to Hannah and tied it on him, he wasn't happy.

Fred in the T-shirt

Poor thing but he seems to be okay!

After that, I had a nap. When I got up again I asked Christopher to help me with some things on my computer.  My computer used to translate web pages from Japanese to English but has stopped doing that.  Christopher asked what was wrong with my Line account.  Line is similar to WhatsApp, a free messaging service.  When I opened my line account everything had gone.  Turns out that my account was hacked.  I sent e-mails to most people on my account, explaining what had happened.  Christopher uninstalled the app and I have to reinstall it!!

Mikey, Christopher, and I went to the house again today.  I managed to pull up the carpet in the corridor and found that the floor is really nice, it needs a good polish but other than that it's okay.  I'm kind of stuck at the moment.  I piled the stuff to be dumped into the dining room, it's the easiest to take out things but because there is still too much outside nothing is being moved.  Mikey and Christopher managed to burn a lot, so I hope next time I can get more out!

Hell

 That's the word Christopher used to describe the other house.  And he's right!

The house is a disaster, not just the mold, trash and smell of urine but the structure itself is damaged.  I noticed that the color of the outside back wall was different.  The wood has gone a green color and feels damp. The two patches are where the toilets are.  Looks like they have leaked.  Inside looks okay but I have no idea what has happened underneath.  Another load of money to put into the dump.  

Then I decided to move the last few things off the kitchen stove and counter.  

This is the counter!

That black is mold!  The counter top and sink are covered in it.  The stove is mix of burnt on stuff and mold.  The floor is soft infront of the counter and sink, so maybe rotting as well.  I just stood there and cried!

How did this get to be my life?  I'll be 62 in the summer, I don't want to move, to clean up a house that is never going to be home.  I wanted to travel.  Before Hisao died we planned to travel in Japan.  Now all the money I make will be put into this hovel!

I feel trapped and angry.  I have no escape plan, no second choice.

Today the company that is going to build on the land next door came and checked the boundary between the two properties.  Looks like they will be building new houses there.  Nice, clean, modern houses with manageable gardens!

I keep getting told that I will save money on rent, that even having a loan will be paid off.  Problem is I won't be making as much as now.  We plan to keep teaching using the comminity centers but there are only certain days that they are available and trying to get the days that match the students schedule is going to be difficult.  Most of our students are kids and they are very busy.  

It's just one problem after another.  I feel all joy is being sucked out of my life!!!

Two Sick Cats

 Last week we found a lump on Fred's shoulder.

Fred in the carry case

We thought it was just from fighting but it didn't go down after a couple of days so Hannah took him to the vet.  Turned out to be some sort of cyst, the vet pulled out a lot of yellow fluid, gave him some medicine, and sent him home.  The lump went down a bit but seems even bigger today.  We will keep giving the medicine and see if that helps, if not back to the vet.

Then Alfie stopped peeing!  So again Hannah took him to the vet. 

Alfie

He has a bladder infection, so he got medicine.  Then we noticed he still wasn't going to the toilet and throwing up a lot.  So Hannah took him back, turns out he is constipated and full of gas, more medicine.

I feel so sorry for Hannah.  Not only did she have to carry the cats to the vet, about a 5-minute walk but she paid for everything, about 100 pounds.  She also had to get a vaccine for herself, the measles and rubella shot.  From April she will be working part-time at a local nursery and there have been a lot of measles cases recently.  That cost her 50 pounds!  I wish I could help her out but at the moment I am only just covering our rent and utilities.  

And I'm still exhausted from last week but am determined to go to the house twice this week as well, I must get it sorted before the summer.  I plan to clean out here in the summer, at least I can use the air conditioners!!!

I Over Did It

 Mikey, Christopher, and I went back to the house yesterday.  I was all fired up to get as much done as possible.  The weather was nice, sunny, and warm but not too humid.  After an hour I had to call it quits.  My back was screaming!  I remember moving a box on Wednesday that was heavier than it looked and something twinged in my back but I shrugged it off. Thursday I was in pain but again I put it down to age and the fact that I've had back problems most of my life.  Friday I woke up feeling okay so went but the pain was awful and so annoying as I really wanted to do a lot.  

The pain made me miserable. As I cleaned out things I noticed so many more problems.  The bathroom sink is a built-in unit, which is standard in Japan, but the waste pipe has been leaking, so the bottom of the unit is rotten and I have no idea what the floor underneath is like.  The same thing has happened in the sink that is in the dead space in front of the toilets.  I really have no desire to move there, it is so depressing to think about it.  Yes, I'm grateful we have that house because trying to rent somewhere else with nine cats would be impossible.  But at the same time, I feel as if I'm going to be working to pay to fix things that should have been taken care of years ago and not left to get really bad.  I know that my mother-in-law spent over 5000 pounds on clothes that she never wore but nothing on fixing the house, I feel so sad.  All seems such a waste.  I remember after she built this house she would come to my place and yell at me for having a piano and computers, I worked hard for them.  I just feel she had no sense about taking care of the house when she could.  

This is the trash that is outside

 

In the house is another room full of stuff.  I found it easier to pile things near windows so they can be taken out.  Some stuff we burned but there is still a lot.  Cleaned out one bedroom, just the old mattress there, the bathroom is done, and most of the Buddhist room.

The Buddhist room

There are thousands of incense sticks that I have to get rid of.  I'll use them in the summer near the windows to keep away mosquitos!

Outside

Looks like one of the neighbors decided to "help" by cutting down some trees, but I think he cut down the blueberry trees!! 

We will go next week and see if we can finish off a couple of rooms.

I think we will have to call the city hall and pay to have the trash removed.

Then the cleaning has to start.

How to remove black mold that is inches thick?

How to get the smell of urine out of wooden floors?  I know our cats pee in places they shouldn't but I clean it up and use alcohol to get rid of the smell.  Looks like my mother-in-law had a few accidents but never cleaned up.  She was offered home help but refused it!!  Yet another thing to deal with!!

Also, the windows are caked with dirt.  I think the main room windows got cleaned twice in 32 years when we lived there, the other rooms never got done.

Going to sulk now!!!