At the beginning of the month, I was in agony in my neck and shoulder. I have a herniated disc in my neck, which sometimes moves and pinches the nerve. It was so bad that I couldn't raise my left arm to my head; washing my hair one-handed was not easy.
That is a lot better. I have to be careful when on the computer; I have to get up every half hour and move around. I'm now in the kitchen/dining/living room a lot, so I get up, wash dishes, tidy a bit and make a cup of tea.
The past couple of days, however, my lower back has been painful. At first I thought it was because my weight had gone up, but it's the same as before, not up and not down. I'm wondering why it's so painful again.
I know my weight isn't helping, and I do need to get back to my healthy living style. But I've had problems with my back since I was in my 20s and weighed between 48kg and 60kg.
I think I'm just getting old, but then my first cousin once removed (my cousin's daughter) sends me a photo of her and my cousin doing a 5K run; my cousin is 9 months older than me. A friend of mine who is 70 sends me videos of herself doing yoga, giving me instructions to help me try.
So it's not age; it's not taking care, not being disciplined enough to exercise and eat properly.
Usually I would say I'll start again after the new year, but I'm starting to realise that whatever I want to do, I need to start now.
I saw this chart on a YouTube video; each circle represents a year of life. The average lifespan is 80 years; if I live that long, I don't have that much time left. Just 16 years!
Kind of depressing
Also, so many famous people have died this year- people I watched growing up- that makes me feel old and has made me think about what I want to do with the time I have left!
Being proactive in getting this house to feel like a home and being proactive in taking care of my health is going to be an interesting journey. I'll record the good, the bad and the ugly here.
Hannah has been helping out a lot. She asked if she could clean the bathroom; of course, I said yes. She did a very good job. Christopher usually cleans where the shower is bit not the corners, Hannah did everything.
Clean bathroom
Another room where I don't understand the layout. Where the white stool and orange basket are is dead space. The window is too big, and the door on the right-hand side leads outside. I understand the door; my mother-in-law worked in the fields. If she came back muddy, she could come in by that door. Now it just makes the room very cold in the winter. Another place that needs reforming!
I got a comment on my post, Life Is Hard Jackie's Japan Journal: Life Is Hard. The commenter asked if I had ever thought about moving back to the UK; she talked about a friend who moved after living abroad for a long time and how she settled there.
I honestly don't know if that would be any better for me. I wouldn't be able to claim a pension because I only worked in the UK for 2 years, and from what I've checked, you need at least 10 years of National Insurance contributions. I might be able to get welfare, but I would feel guilty about taking from a system that I hadn't paid into.
I thought about moving back many times. I look at my friend who moved back when her kids were little; all of her kids are married and settled into good jobs. But she is a doer; she decides on a course, then takes action. I sit and think and moan. Would my life be any better in the UK? Would my kids' lives be any better? I really don't think so. This struggle I'm going through is more to do with my mental health, how I view things and how I react to situations!
I've known this for a long time, kind of, but I've never faced the truth because it's painful. I've created this situation because I'm not proactive; I let life wash over me without doing anything except reacting in a negative way with complaints.
I made a decision to try to be more proactive. To do what I can with the resources I have here and now. I don't have the money to rip out the kitchen and have it remodelled, but I can rearrange things to make it more convenient and easier to use, which is what I started to do.
I have an L-shaped counter with a unit underneath. But it was hard to access the unit because of the long part of the unit; every time I tried to get something out, I would hit my back or head on the counter. Because of this, I stopped using the unit, which has a lot of storage. Today I got Mikey and David to turn the counter around; I can now access the unit. Now I can get to the unit.
I have to clean it out and organise it, but that will take time. I decided that I could do one drawer. This is the medicine drawer, and some of the medicine is prescription meds that are out of date. I cleaned it out and threw out a load of stuff. Fluffy decided to help me!
Fluffy really helped!
Another thing that has been helping me is getting out of my room. I'm in the kitchen/dining/living room now; I can cook lunch and write this post.
I think that just staying in my room all the time was depressing me; just sitting in another room, interacting with whoever is around, and the cats have helped. I'm not lying on my bed wishing for a better life; I'm trying to build it.
I don't know if this momentum will last, but I'm making the most of it now.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll know that one thing that drags me down is this house.
I just see problems everywhere.
The kitchen has no usable storage; the room is dark and feels neglected. No matter how much I clean up, it never feels done.
The tatami room has no purpose and has become the cat room; they have slowly destroyed the doors and screens.
My bedroom, which is usually alright, is at the moment an absolute disaster. I've been sorting out things but haven't gotten very far, so everything is dumped on the floor.
I feel overwhelmed by the scale of things that need to be done. I'm living in a headspace of lack; I don't have any money to change things. The cost of a basic reform is about 15,000,000 yen, about £8,000; then if there are any problems, there would be additional charges. I just don't have that kind of money. I also feel that I just don't have the energy to deal with all of this, as I said, just overwhelmed.
The other day I was chatting with a friend about this; okay, I was moaning to her about the house. She sent me a picture of her living room that ChatGPT had created. It was a lovely, cosy room, the kind of space that you never want to leave.
I decided to try this. Hannah has ChatGPT; I'm still trying to decide which AI to subscribe to. I need one for my Etsy shop!
She took a couple of photos of the tatami room. Please, no bad comments; I already know how bad it is!
Disaster!
It looks worse than it is. The blanket on the floor is for the cats to sleep on. The boxes are from cat food and cat litter deliveries. As I said, this is the cat room.
I asked ChatGPT to change it into a living room. This is what it came up with.
Beautiful room
I love this! Of course, that would be impossible to do. But it's given me ideas.
When I first moved here, I thought that I would use this room as a teaching room; it's what I've done in every house I've had, one or two rooms put aside to use as a teaching room. I don't think I'll get any students here; it just isn't the place where there are many kids or young people. And if I do get one or two, then I could still use a living room to teach in.
In the picture, the sofa is facing the opposite way to how I thought to place it. I always thought to put it the opposite way, with the TV where the big cat tree is, behind the sofa.
If I were to do this, I wouldn't be able to change the tatami mat to flooring, even though I want to, but I could cover it with something that looks like flooring until I have the money to change it. I would take out the bookshelf and move the TV down. Where the corner of the table is in front, I would put a table there. That way, I would have a workspace and a place to teach if I get students.
This is doable. Not to that lovely picture, but something similar. It would have to be recycled furniture until I have money, but I think I could make use of that room.
The other room I asked about was my bedroom. It is an absolute disaster. As I said, I've pulled out a lot of things and am slowly sorting through them; also, because Hannah is staying, her things are in there. Again, please, no judgment; I feel very vulnerable putting these pictures out there.
Big sigh; it looks worse in the photos.
Again, AI did its magic.
Another lovely space.
I wouldn't have a cat tree in there. Also it changed the window with the curtains; it's a bay window with a wide windowsill.
One problem is that there is very little storage space. I have a typical Japanese closet, which is deep and has one shelf in it. These closets are designed to store futons. I have a load of boxes and plastic bins in there, basically photos and my old journals. I need to find another place for them so I can put drawers in and use it for clothes.
This feels more doable, but as always it's going to take work.
Just having these images as inspiration has helped me a lot. It will take work and money, but I think I can reclaim these two rooms and make them better.
I already have plans for the kitchen/dining/living space. It will take some time as I need help moving things, but I'm going to make a start.
I'm trying to get out of my lack thinking and start asking what can I do to make it better!
Before I get into today's adventure, and driving with David is always an adventure, let me update you on what happened yesterday.
I wrote yesterday's post, "Life Is Hard", in the morning. After writing it, I sat and had a good talk with myself; I was talking to the cats, but it was about the same thing!
I realised that every day I do the same thing. I spend ages looking for ideas for T-shirt designs; I then try to make something similar without infringing copyright; I upload the T-shirts to Etsy and hope that I can get a sale.
Yesterday I decided to move from my room to the dining room; part was that I was waiting for a package and I couldn't hear the doorbell in my room, but part of it was wanting to just change something.
Somehow, just being in a different room helped me to focus more. Also, while I was waiting for things to finish, I managed to clean the kitchen. At one point, I hit a block; I had too many ideas and couldn't figure out which direction to go in. I decided to change gears and went and did some baking. Baking helps me when I'm stressed. While I was waiting for the muffins to cook, I went back to what I was doing and managed to figure things out.
I didn't make any sales, but I feel that I can keep on going. I don't have any choice at this time, as I can't think of any other way to make money.
Still, I found that just changing my environment helped me to refocus; also, I realised that that room is underutilised. I think I might start spending more time in there!
These are the muffins I made.
Peanut butter Muffins
These were very nice, not too sweet. I don't know why, but I kept calling them pumpkin muffins!
In the evening, Hannah came to stay for a few days; she is feeling rather overwhelmed because of these different seizures. I thought she was okay, but I think the reality is starting to set in. Until she's had more tests, she won't know what this means for her. I think she just needs time to relax.
Christopher made a big nabi for dinner.
Nabi, just right for the cooler weather we've been having.
It was really nice to have everyone together, just talking and laughing. I know that these times will be few and far between; that's as it should be, but it made me so happy to have that time last night!
Today David suggested that we go back to the museum and Kofun we tried to see on Monday.
I suggested that he set Google Maps before we left, but he said that he could basically remember. So, of course, we got lost.
We ended up at the care home that my mother-in-law stayed in 6 years ago. We kept saying that the area was familiar; it wasn't until we were nearly at the facility that we realised why!
The area is rather high, and there are a lot of danchi, Japanese city housing. They must have spectacular views!
I took a video; the road was rather bumpy, so the video might seem a bit jumpy!
I was surprised at how clean the apartment complexes looked.
Some of the danchi complexes
We turned around and finally found our way to the museum and Kofun.
This was the view from where we parked.
Beautiful view.
The museum was small but very interesting.
This area has a lot of Kofun, built between the 4th and 7th centuries; there is a cluster of about 300 Kofun.
The Kofun in this area were unique, as they had stone figures of people and horses; in other areas, the statues near the Kofun were terracotta haniwa statues. Another thing for me to study!
One stone piece we found interesting was this.
UFO?
After the museum, we walked outside to see the Kofun.
Replicas of the stone statues outside the Kofun
The first path toward the Kofun. It was such a lovely day, sunny but with a strong breeze. I loved the weather, but Hannah said it was too cold!
The right-hand side, where it slopes up, is the edge of the Kofun.
I was having a hard time with the ground; in some places it sloped down, and there were so many tree roots!
The old lady being helped down the slope.
As we walked around, we came across two shrines.
The torii gate of the first one was very large. I was trying to get a video and photos, but it was difficult.
The torii gate of the first shrine.
And David being daft.
As we walked past, we saw a second torii gate leading to another shrine; this one seemed smaller.
There was a row of these little statues; I'm sure they have a name, but there is no one here to ask. When I find out, I'll let you know!
We continued to walk around the Kofun and came upon another torii gate; David thinks this might have been one of the original gates!
Maybe the original torii gate
The view from near the torii gate.
We finally got to the end of the Kofun. Like most Kofun from that time, it's a keyhole shape, but because of the trees and overgrowth, it's difficult to see the shape.
We crossed the road and visited the house and rice store that we saw on Monday; this time we could go in.
Rice storage, raised off the ground to protect the rice. Ignore me; I was tired at this time.
David having a look inside
Typical dwelling from that time.
We left the museum and got lost again.
We ended up in this older neighbourhood, with steep, narrow roads.
David took a turn thinking it would take us out of the area, only to find that the road was a dead end; there was no sign saying that. We ended up in what looked like someone's yard, where we had to do a U-turn.
We got back onto the right road and went past one of the many tea plantations in this area.
We visited a couple of stores.
Both were recyle stores. In one, Hannah bought a nice skirt and top; she always does well in these stores.
The other was a recyle store that had a lot of interesting items: cards like Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh!, manga, models, high-end clothes, bags and sunglasses. There were a few electronic items; I bought a toaster, something I've been thinking about for a few months as ours tends to smoke. The one I got today was only 1,500 yen; I hope it works!
The one thing that they were selling that I've never seen before in Japan was guns! I don't know what type they are- real guns or BB guns but there was a large selection and even a place to try them out!
This sign made me smile; I think it should be "Ladies' Casual Clothes".
I'm exhausted; I'm sure I missed out on some things. I'll have a look through the photos and see what I missed and let you know tomorrow.
I had a great day out; it was a lot of fun with David, Christopher and Hannah.
I thought that in my sixties, things would be settled down. I would still be teaching, making enough to live on and maybe save for the future.
That is really a pipe dream. I have almost no income, and from next month it will be even less- maybe 10,000 yen, about £50 a month.
For the past couple of years, Mikey and I have been teaching together. Mikey got married in April 2025; he and his wife thought that it would be easy to find a place to rent and move. The reality was the opposite. Just finding a place was hard; then getting the deposit was another hurdle; then trying to get the basics to live there seemed very hard. Their combined income is about 20,0000 yen (I might have the zeros wrong on that), about £1,000. It's going to be tight for them; everything in Japan has gone up, except wages. The government wonders why young people don't get married and have kids; the reality is that they can't afford it!
I digress. Because of his situation, Mikey has been living here for the past 19 months. Not the best situation, but no choice. While he has been living here, the money we make from teaching goes into the house here. I give him a little bit, but not that much.
This Sunday he is moving. I'm so happy about that; it's time he moved on with his life.
But, of course, there's a but: it means that most of the money from teaching will go to Mikey. He does most of the teaching; I only teach 3 students now.
The main reason I'm doing this is that my mother-in-law had Hisao work for her but never paid him. Occasionally, she would give him a bit but not enough to live on. That meant that I had to work to support our family. I enjoyed my work, but it meant time away from my kids, something I still regret now. Even now, I still feel resentful toward my mother-in-law; she was earning enough to pay Hisao, but just saw him as free labour. I don't want Mikey's wife to feel that toward me.
Which brings me to the real heartache in all this. Because I have no income, David and Christopher feel that they have to take care of me. I'm deeply grateful for that, but at the same time I feel like I've trapped them in this place. I want them to find wives, to have families, to have their own adventures. Not just work to support me. Even just travelling to see places- that's what young people should do. I don't want them to get to their 50s and regret their life decisions.
So, today, I feel so sad; I've been crying most of the morning, which I know doesn't help.
I'm looking for other ways to make money. My Etsy Shop hasn't worked out: 4 months and one sale!
Any ideas?
The disaster this morning. I'm so stressed and distracted that I managed to drop an egg!
Before you imagine me living in a house full of boxes, plastic bins and bags piled floor to ceiling, with just narrow passages to walk through, I'm not that bad, but I do seem to keep a lot of things.
What I kept seems to fall into three categories.
First are things that hold memories or sentimental value. That includes my journals; I've kept a journal since I was sixteen years old! That's a lot of notebooks!
Then there are the photos, maybe thousands of them. When my kids were little, I would use one roll of film every month. Some I would send to my parents, but I kept a lot.
Then I have boxes of keepsakes. I found a box of stuff from when I was in secondary school, my teen years. I was looking at it the other day; I was looking for something else and came across it. I wondered why I had brought it to Japan!
Then there are the things that I might use again. Things that are in too good condition to throw out, but I can't use at the moment.
Those are mostly clothes. I've been every size from a UK size 14 to a UK size 28; I'm now about a UK size 20 to 22!
The smaller clothes are from about 30 years ago; will I ever want to wear what was in fashion then? I don't know what to do with them; the recyle shops don't take the kind of clothes I have; they are looking for more expensive, branded items. There are no charity shops in Japan either. Just sending them to the landfill seems so wasteful.
The last category is things that I spent a lot of money on, plus we don't know how to dispose of them. Things like old computers, TVs and other electronics. I want to find a way to salvage the parts, but it seems that isn't done. The city trash place doesn't take them; I think we have to pay to get rid of them.
My hoarding isn't overwhelming at the moment, except for my journals and photos; most things are in the storage place, out of sight, out of mind!
What triggered this post was some advice from a dear friend. I'm always moaning about this house and how much I hate living here. She suggested finding something small to tackle: each day, clear out one drawer or one shelf, one bush in the garden.
I thought that was a good idea; it's the advice I gave another friend when she was moving back to her home country. I should listen to my own advice.
Today I took a drawer from the bathroom; these drawers were in the living room in the other house. Since we moved here, I haven't even looked in them. I was surprised at the amount of just trash that was in there- empty packs and boxes- but I did come across some things that made me ask, "Why do I still have this?"
From the drawer
The pipe is for something, but I have no idea what. The bank books belong to Hisao; why am I keeping them?
But it's the Christmas napkins that made me smile and sigh! I bought these when I used to make Christmas cookies for the students; that was over 10 years ago, but I still have the napkins, just in case!
I am lucky that my kids are ruthless at throwing things out; maybe the next holiday I can ask them to help tackle some of the boxes in the storage place.
Quick update on David and Hannah.
David has food poisoning. At least that is what the doctor thinks, but it doesn't make sense, as we all ate the same things. The doctor said that if the symptoms don't go away, then David should go back for blood tests to see if it's a virus. David is a lot better; no more fever or body pains, but he still has stomachache. He's eating a bit and drinking, which helps. I really hope he gets better soon!
Hannah managed to see the epilepsy specialist on Wednesday. He said that what she is describing does sound like another type of seizure. She has an appointment next month to have an MRI and other tests. She seems a lot calmer; I think knowing that it's something real helps her. She has started a new part-time job today; I hope that goes well.
When my kids were little, I imagined a time in the future when I wouldn't worry about them all the time.
As any parent knows, raising kids isn't just about homework, club activities, movie nights, birthdays and Christmases. It's also kids shouting at 2am because they feel sick; they always seem to vomit just as you get to the door with a bucket; it's about waiting at the doctor's with a child crying in pain because of a fever; it's dental appointments where the sound of the drill makes your child go white before they are even in the chair. It's fear, stress and worry, 24/7. That is parenting: fantastic highs, scary lows, sleepless nights, fantastic snuggles.
I hoped that when my kids got to adulthood, all that would be behind me. The running around is gone; they see to their own appointments. But the worry isn't. When I see my kids sick or hurt, it's still a worry; even Mikey, who is 34, came home on crutches the other week after an accident at work. My heart stopped as I saw him hobble in.
This week my worry has gone up 100%. It all started with a phone call from Hannah.
She called Monday evening; she was white and wide-eyed, not a good start.
She had what she called an episode. This is the third time, so we can't dismiss it. As she describes it, she suddenly sees letter and words floating around, also hearing conversations she's had, but only her side of them. She feels sick; twice she vomited. She feels disoriented, not sure where she is and dizzy. The episode doesn't last long but is frightening. Could this trigger a full-blown seizure? Is it a different form of epilepsy, like an absence seizure, where the brain seizes but the body doesn't shake?
Mikey picked her up so she could stay overnight here. I think she wanted to sleep but was worried that she would have a seizure.
We spent a lot of time talking and asking AI. I know AI isn't for diagnosing things; I wasn't looking for that, but just something to offer Hannah some encouragement, something to think about and also what to ask at an appointment.
Of course, Tuesday was a national holiday, so she called her neurologist this morning. The epilepsy specialist is here today; he comes once a month, and she managed to get an appointment at 2:30. I told her to really push to get an appointment; there are only 4 specialists in the north of Kyushu, so getting an appointment is hard.
That's enough worry!
Yesterday David came home from work complaining of a stomachache; he had diarrhoea. We thought it might have been something he had eaten. But as the day wore on, he got worse. By night, he was shivering under his blankets; his fever was 38.8C, he was complaining of having a headache and that his knees and elbows were painful. He took some painkillers, which helped, and he managed to sleep.
This morning I made a big pot of chicken soup; it was the only thing I could think of to get him to eat.
He's at the doctor's now. He must be very sick, as he doesn't like to go to the doctor; he prefers to just stay in bed and sleep.
I know that neither of these things is an absolute crisis, and with the good medical care here in Japan, things will get taken care of, but for me it feels a bit too much!
I wish life could be more linear: get one problem, solve it, move on to the next. Unfortunately, life is far messier than that!
Just a random photo of Steve. I took this this morning; he looks like he's wearing eye makeup.
David said there was a kofun, an ancient burial mound, in a nearby city. I've developed a real interest in Japanese history, especially this area's history. All of my kids are into history, so they don't mind taking me to museums and explaining things to me.
I enjoy going out with David, but he has no sense of direction. He gets lost a lot. The other week, he was late getting home from work; he had taken the wrong turn. He's driven that route for 2 years but still gets lost. Driving to a new place is an adventure, even with Google Maps guiding him.
We dropped off Christopher as it was on the way; we then took off in the general direction of the museum. As we got closer, David used Google Maps to guide him. One problem we had was that Google Maps would say to turn right, but it wasn't a right turn; the road just curved to the right, and there was a left turn off the main road. This happened a few times because we were in the foothills of a mountain range; the roads and buildings are built to try to use the land as efficiently as possible.
The map guided us up this narrow, steep road, saying that we were near our destination, but we couldn't see anything that looked like a museum. Just a Torii gate and a lot of overgrown hills.
David is swearing at Google Maps because it's saying we have reached our destination.
We followed the road round to the opposite side of the hill and found the museum, only to find that it was closed! Typical.
Still, we could have a look around the outside; stunning views over the valley- just that was worth the drive.
A little church opposite the museum
I love the mist on the mountains.
We walked down a little path to a display of houses from the Yayoi Period, 300 BCE to 250 CE. They were fenced off, but we could see the outside of the buildings.
On the way back, I noticed this cute sign saying stop; it's on a path that leads to the road. The parking is on the opposite side of the museum.
Cute とまれ means stop!
We took a different route back as I wanted to stop in a few shops out that way.
I didn't expect to be driving down the road that I used to live near when I first came here 35 years ago. I haven't been in this area for about 10 years; there have been some changes, but a lot was still the same.
The statue of Daihonzan Naritasan Temple
This massive statue dominates the skyline in this area.
Another place that has been around for ages is an old recyle shop.
That Santa has been out there for years; he's looking a bit sad now, but the red used to be very bright!
We had a quick look round, then went on to our next stop. On the way, we passed the place where I bought a baby bath 35 years ago.
Just after the Joyfull restaurant is a half-brick building, which is where I bought the baby bath. The shop has changed hands many times, but the building is still there.
We had a nice morning; I really enjoyed our little adventure, even if the museum was closed. We'll try to go again, I hope.
