Jackie's Japan Journal: Gratitude

This is something that has been on my mind for a while.

It's so easy to say"I'm grateful for ..........." But how to feel it and live it.

I'm willing to admit that many times I'm not grateful, and I fall into a victim mentality, finding fault and complaining far too much. It's easy to be grateful when things are going my way, I want to learn how to do that when life gives me a lemon!

In Stephen Covey's book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he uses the funeral exercise. He asks what do you want people to say at your funeral, then create a life to that end. When I read this, I was in my 30s. My death, the death of those close to me, felt far away.

Now in my 60s, having people close to me die, my husband, Mom, mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law, this idea, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind, seems a lot more important!

Two of these funerals show what kind of people they were in life. My Mom's funeral was packed. My Mom had her faults, but she was loved by a lot of people, her family, friends and people who shopped where she worked part-time. She would always have time to talk and have a cup of tea; she tried not to gossip. At the shop, she remembered which lady's grandchild had a birthday and helped to choose a card. At Christmas, she would make mince pies and buy a bottle of sherry to share with the regular customers. She explained to the owner that this helps to make the customers feel special. On the day of the funeral, the owner closed the shop, something he had never done before. My Mom asked that people donate to a local hospice instead of buying flowers. The owner set up a box for donations, the collection was over £1000.

My grandmother-in-law's funeral was attended by 3 people, and her family. Even the extended family didn't bother to come. I only knew my grandmother-in-law when she was already old. I assumed that her complaints and manipulative ways were signs of dementia, but my husband said that she always manipulated people for her own benefit. She was widowed when my mother-in-law was in high school. She went to the school and removed my mother-in-law from the school, telling her to work the land. There was no discussion. Grandmother wanted money from the crops that were being grown, so her daughter had to give up her own life to do that. She would give large sums of money to one cousin but not speak to the brother of that cousin. She caused conflict in the family, even the neighbours tried not to have anything to do with her. She was miserable and made sure that everyone around her was miserable.

Two funerals, two lives lived very differently. My Mom had her faults, but because she was caring, those faults were overlooked. My grandmother-in-law was selfish and spiteful. One had a funeral that overflowed with tears and love, the other had one where people attended because they had to represent the neighbourhood association.

I know which one I want!

So how do I become someone whose life and legacy are honoured at her funeral?

Being grateful is, for me, part of living a life well. Again, it's easy to be grateful when things are alright. How to feel that when things aren't going as I think they should. In other words, how to be grateful now. How to be grateful when all I see are constant struggles?

I'm trying not to complain to my kids too much, but sometimes it's so easy to just moan. The house is cold, it's dark, it's badly designed. These are my constant complaints, but I should try to find a way to change these things. It's cold, get more heaters; it's dark, maybe paint the walls a brighter colour, do something about the dark colour of the kitchen cabinets. The design can't be changed until we have more money, but I could start to look at ideas to make it better.

I am grateful for this house. I don't think we could have rented another place with the cats.

I'm grateful for my kids; they put up with a lot. Even though I've lived in Japan for 34 years, I still struggle with the language, my kids are willing to step up and help out, especially if it involves phone calls, banking, city hall or hospital visits!

I'm grateful to live in Japan. Even though I struggle with the language, with some of the culture and traditions, I feel at home here. I'm glad that Hannah can have her own apartment. I'm not sure if I would be happy to let her live by herself in England. Even here, we message and talk a few times a day, especially with her having epilepsy. Once she has gotten used to it and understands her triggers, maybe I can relax more.

This has gotten rather long and heavy. Thank you for reading! I'm grateful for all the people who read this blog. Leave a comment about your experience of being grateful.

Some lovely photos of the mall in the other city and all the Christmas lights!