Eleven Years

 Yesterday was eleven years since Hisao passed away.

A few months ago when I was cleaning out some bookshelves I found my diary from that time.  In it I had written that I wanted time to go fast and slow, fast to move away from the intense grief, slow because I wanted to spend time with my kids.  I felt that time would lessen the pain and heal me a bit.  The pain has indeed lessened and I can look back on things and laugh without ending up in tears.  But sometimes I still get hit by the grief.  As the kids grow I feel sad at all the things Hisao missed out on, all the things the kids didn't get to do with him.  The other day I saw a camper car.  One thing we dreamed of doing was hiring a camper van and traveling around Japan.  Never got that far!

So another year.  It seems so hard to think that much time has passed.  Hannah was only 10, she's now a young lady of 21!!  Mikey was just 20, almost 21, and now he's in his 30s.  So much water under the bridge!

Found some lovely photos!!

On the back it says 1967, so maybe 6 years old

on the back with his older brother

High school, his painting was displayed at the local art museum

early 20s

when we first met

At Mom and Dad's house

Hannah And Me Outing

 Yesterday Hannah and I went to the city to watch a musical.  Lovely musical, Crazy For You, nice late lunch, good shopping, and magical Christmas lights.  But exhausting, totally exhausting!!

The exhausting part started as soon as we got to the station.  Hannah looked at the board and saw that the train that we needed to get would be arriving at 9:31 (Japanese trains are nearly always on time to the minute), it was 9:28.  I got down the flight of stairs to get to the platform, then got in the elevator to get up to the platform (the walkways between the platform are underground) but it was the wrong elevator and took us back to where we had started from, got back in the elevator, went down to the walkways again and could hear the announcement for the train, ran, other rather hobbled along to the stairs, climbed up them as fast as possible only to hear Hannah say it was the wrong train.  The destination was right but it was the express train that you have to pay extra for.  Not a good start to the day.  We had a short wait but it was so cold.  The winter so far has been very mild, last week a couple of days were up to 23C.  Yesterday was very cold, high of only 4C, and snow flurries!!

When we got to the city we planned to walk to the place where the theatre is.  It's a shopping, hotel, entertainment center, and business center.  It's about 15 minutes walk from the station complex but when we got to the exit we changed our minds.  The snow was really coming down and because of all the tall buildings, the wind seemed a long stronger than it really was.  We got the subway.  It's only one stop from the station but very deep, about 5 floors down.  

The station we arrived at was very nice, they had a display of artists' work and other historical things, very clean and well cared for.

Some of the displays in the subway station

When we got to the shopping mall we ran into problems.  Hannah needed to find a convenience store to put money on her electric payment app.  We walked from one end to the other but couldn't find one.  By that time we had to get to the theartre for the start of the musical.

The poster

Cast list

theatre name

I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to follow the plot.  Most of the musicals I've watched have been ones that I know the story to and are therefore easy to understand.  I've seen bits of Crazy For You but not the whole thing and had a vague idea of the story.  I was amazed at how easy it was to follow.  The actors were very good and of course, the singing and dancing were incredible.  I really enjoyed it and wished that we could see more musicals!!!!

After that, we had a little something to eat.  We had a snack beforehand but was feeling a bit peckish.  Went to an Italian restaurant.  Pizza, fried shrimp, soup and fried potatoes, nice, filling and warming.

Hannah enjoying lunch!!

We went back to the station and did a bit of shopping.  By that time the Christmas lights were on.  Really beautiful.  Also, they had a live singer with an incredible voice.   We didn't stay long as it was bitterly cold but it was nice to see.  We haven't been for a few years because of the pandemic so this was a real treat.

Really beautiful.

All in all a really nice day out.  I don't get that often, I can't drive and even though I can walk to the local shops I don't as often as I used to.  I need to get more confidence in my ability to walk.  Having a bad knee meant that I didn't try to walk that much but now it feels better (but not fixed, just I lost some weight) I should try to get out more.

Dad called last night.  Asked why I didn't write about him "Working 40 bloody hours a week to pay for Christmas"  Sorry Dad.  And thank you.  Not only for working so much but showing that your family was important that you would take on any job to pay the rent and put food on the table.  It was easy to write about Mom because she was the one who did the Christmas things but just as important was  Dad who made the money!

Christmas Past

 I knew that going down memory lane would not end with one post!!!

So, first a disclaimer.  These are my memories, I don't know how accurate they are, and I'm guessing that my Dad and brothers will have different memories.

Actually when I think about Christmases from my childhood I have more memories from the lead up to Christmas than the day itself.  

My Mom loved Christmas, she would spend a lot of time and money making it magical for us.  Mom used to have catalogues, she was an agent for two that I can remember, Marshall Wards and Freemans (I think I've got the names right).  I would wait for the autumn/winter catalogues to come because in the back would be pages and pages of toys and games!!   I would spend hours pouring over these pages, writing out lists of the things I wanted.  Mom would get us to write letters to Father Christmas, we would leave them on the mantle place and the next morning a little chocolate would appear.  Mom told us that means that Father Christmas' elves are watching us and we had to behave!!!  Sometimes she would hide the chocolate, so before school we would have to search for it!!

I don't remember decorating the Christmas Tree, it would just appear while we were at school.  No lights back then as they were dangerous, every year there would be house fires caused by faulty lights.  Always an angel on top and chocolates in Christmas shapes!!  When we took the tree down there would be one that had been left and melted into the wrapper.  Sometimes there would be streamers hung across the ceiling. One year Mom blew up balloons and hung those but they would burst in the heat!!  Christmas cards were displayed, the first few on the mantle place, then hung on string across one wall.  

What I do remember about Christmas Eve was being unable to sleep.  I use to stand at the top of the stairs, shouting down "Has Father Christmas been yet".  I always got told that he wouldn't come if I wasn't sleeping!! Also every year Mom would go to the market to get the last few things.  She really liked the atmosphere at the market, sellers calling out and everybody shouting Merry Christmas.

Christmas morning started early, about 6 am.  We always got a lot of presents.  One big present that we chose, one year I got a lovely dolls pram.  A board game and a book.  Then lots of little things.  From relatives there would be lovely hankerchiefs, I think they are nice now but as a child I wasn't impressed.  My brothers and I would exchange gifts.  One year I bought an annual for Steve, something about football,  I wrapped in so many layers of paper and tape that it took him ages to open it.

 I remember the Christmas dinner, always turkey.  I think that was the only time that you could buy turkey, at least I don't remember seeing it in the shops at other times of the year.  The turkey would be so big that my Dad had to lift it out of the oven.  There would be left overs for many days.  Of course lots of cakes and sweets.  Because everything closed for Christmas Day and most places on Boxing Day (26th) Mom would buy enough to feed an army.  Milk use to come in glass bottles, Mom would line them up outside, it was cold enough and there was never any space in the fridge.  

As a child Christmas was very special.  Until I had my kids I never realized how much work my Mom put into making it magical.  I'm grateful for all the years that I believed that eleves were watching us and that Father Christmas would bring us lovely things.

We didn't go to church over Christmas but at primary school (elementary school) we always did the Nativity Play and of course learnt all the carols.  The first carol I remember learning was Away in the Manager.  I had no idea what a manager was and nobody bothered to explain about it!!

I wish I had some photos but I don't!!  

If I had time and am not boring you I'll try to write about my kids Christmases and the stress of trying to do Christmas in a country that doesn't celebrate it!!

Memories

 I don't know if it's because of the time of year or just getting old but I seem to be looking back more and more.  Everything seemed so much simpler when I was younger.  I guess not having any responsibilities helped a lot.  Actually, until my husband passed away I never took care of paying bills or rent,  I left all that and all the worry up to him.  Now I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to save money and how to pay for everything.

One thing that has me remembering my teenage years is a Facebook group about a young teen magazine called "Jackie". Of course, with a name like that, I had to buy it, every week from when I was about 13 until I was maybe 16.  Jackie was published from 1964 until 1993.  It had a mixture of fashion and beauty tips, pop gossip, pin-up posters, short stories, and a problem page.   I remember getting it on a Thursday after I finished my paper round.  When I watch Hannah scroll through Instagram looking for makeup ideas or the latest fashion I'm reminded of how I used to pour over the pages of Jackie, wondering if the few pounds I got from my paper round would be enough to buy the latest trend.  

I amazed at the posts on the Jackie Facebook group.  It seems like the ladies around my age all had similar experiences, bought similar clothes, and followed similar pop groups.  I always think that today's social media trends are influencing young people too much but looking at how many ladies had the same poster on their bedroom walls, wore similar make-up and clothes, I think being influenced is not a new thing at all. 

Good or bad, I don't know but remembering those days when the future looked bright and I still didn't understand all the awful news made my teen years a lot better and something to look back on, even if it is with rose-tinted glasses.

 

Of Hospitals and Vets

 First a disclaimer.  This is my experience and opinion.  

A while back I was speaking to one of my students about the hospital in this area.  She asked me about the hospital where we took my husband when he died.  I told her I would never use that hospital again.  When David collapsed a few years back the paramedics suggested that hospital and I said no, there are other hospitals that are the same distance from our house that I would prefer.

The student asked why I wouldn't use that hospital.  I explained that when we took my husband there we were treated very badly.  He died in the middle of the night.  I had no idea what to do but I knew that I would need a death certificate signed by a doctor.  So we called an ambulance that took us to that hospital, Mikey came with me, the other kids came by taxi later. I had no idea what would happen and I wanted them to have a chance to say goodbye.  By the time the doctor had finished, it was early morning, maybe 5am.  My husband's friend came as none of us could drive and we needed to get back home.  We were sitting there, I was in total shock and unable to think, I was also throwing up because of the shock.  Suddenly a nurse came storming down the corridor shouting about moving the body, basically saying to get the body out of here.  We had no idea how to do this, my husband's friend asked what to do, the nurse just shoved a phone book at him and walked off.  Then we were asked to move from where we were waiting as patients would be coming in.  We looked around and found a corner curtained off, a bit private.  We sat there for a bit until a nurse told us that this area was for emergencies only, I guess my husband dying wasn't an emergency.  We had to wait in the main waiting room, Hannah and Christopher were crying, I was feeling sick and Mikey just sat and stared ahead.  David had gone with my husband's friend to tell my mother-in-law.  I felt that there was no compassion and no respect for our grief.  Hannah was just 10 years old and having nurses shout and tut at us didn't help her at all.

I always said that if somebody's dog died I wouldn't expect them to be treated like that.

And I was right.  3 years ago, our dog Lucky got very sick very quickly.  She was old, 12, which is the average life span for a labrador dog.  She had thrown up once, then the next day she couldn't stand up.  At first, I thought it was because of the heat and her age.  We took her to an emergency vets.  This was in 2020, the height of the pandemic, so only Christopher could go in with her.  But when the vet realized that she would have to be put to sleep because she had cancer and her lung had collapsed they broke protocol and let David and I come in.  We sat with her, talked to her, and kept her calm as she gently fell asleep.  We were told to take our time, that there was no rush to leave.  When we did leave, I went to the receptionist to pay, she offered her condolences.  The staff then carried Lucky out to the car and laid her very carefully in the back.  We got in the car to leave, as we turned to leave 3 of the staff members were outside bowing to us  Very different experience from when my husband died.  Our grief was respected and the staff showed compassion.

I know that there are good and bad hospitals and vets.  I know that the staff at the hospital might of been stressed.  But the least they could do is set aside a small room for families to sit in, have a list of funeral homes typed out and laminated.  Small things like that make a big difference when you are hit with a sudden death.

Again this is just my experience.  This has been playing on my mind recently, maybe just time of year, next week will be 11 years since my husband died.

Lucky

She was a yard dog.  When the weather was bad we would bring her inside but she hated it.  She would sit by the window and cry!!!

Everything Hurts

 The title of this post was going to be "Busy, Busy, Busy" and I am very busy with deep cleaning but doing just a bit has left me with aches and pains.  I feel so old!!  My problem is that my brain still thinks I'm in my 30's but my body feels like I'm over 80!!!!  

This morning I took the cushions off the sofa.  The plan was just to vacuum under the cushions, then pull the sofa out and clean the floor.  When I pulled off the big cushion I realized that it smelled bad.  Looks like the cats have been peeing in that corner.  I wanted to take off the covers off to wash but the zipper is jammed.  So I got a bucket of hot water, laundry soap, and a cloth and scrubbed the cushions, the back of the sofa, and down the sides.  I then sprayed it with something to stop the smell and discourage the cats,  doesn't really stop them but it helps a bit.  I've left the cushions in front of the window to dry, hope it helps.  Hannah helped a lot but just doing that bit has left me in pain, my knee, thighs, and lower back are killing me.  I'm actually shaking as I write this!!

So that means I MUST exercise.  I keep saying I'll start tomorrow or next week or in the New Year but if just doing half an hour cleaning leaves me so much pain then I have to start NOW.  (I'm telling myself this!!).   There are loads of chair exercise videos on YouTube and I have downloaded tons of books with exercises for seniors.

One reason this worries me more than usual is we will be moving soon and that means a lot of work.  Yes, I have 3 young men to help but I want to be able to pull my weight as well.  I'll let you know if I start and if it helps.

Hannah looking all grown up!!!

Just a photo of Hannah, makes a change from the cats!!!!

Cold

 Me not the weather.  The weather is very mild, up to 21C tomorrow, but Monday and Tuesday it's going to rain.

Yesterday morning I woke up coughing and sneezing. Just sneezing I know it's allergies but if I'm coughing as well, then it could be a cold or the start of flu.  There's a lot of that going round, almost everyday one student is absent because of a cold or the flu.  I'm trying to be careful but being around children almost everyday means that it's easy to catch something!!  But yesterday was very strange, I just could not get warm.  I ate a bit of breakfast so I could take some medicine, decided to sleep, hoping that by the time I had to teach I would feel a bit better.  Got into bed, had my electric blanket but I couldn't get warm, checked my temperature, it was only 35.5C,  I don't think I've ever had such a low temperature.  It stayed like that all day, even sitting in front of a heater didn't help.  By the evening I was feeling a bit better, drank a lot of hot tea and David had made a massive pot of chicken soup, which helped.  Still not sure what was wrong, just a very strange day!!   

I've been trying to clean as much as possible.  In Japan the week before New Years is the big cleaning time, I've tried to do it but it's so cold that it's difficult to get a lot done, so I've started early.  I've done the two rooms that we use for teaching, need to do the windows in there.  I want to get the kitchen done and the understairs cupboard this weekend.  We will see!!

Cat pictures as always.

Why?

Mama found the warm spot

Steve snuggled up