Hubby's Birthday

Today would of been hubby's 52nd birthday.  I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he is not here to share this day with us!  I know in spirit he is still here but I would of preferred him to be here physically.  I am wondering what to do to celebrate this wonderful man.  We usually do birthdays on the weekend if the birthday day is busy so I am planning on having a little party for us on Sunday. i am wondering if I am brave enough to watch some of our home videos.  There aren't many shots of Hisao because was usually behind the camera but we have a few.

Few photos of hubby

I've been wandering what my husband has left us!  Nothing material that's for sure, no insurance or savings.  But he has left us a legacy to follow.  His whole life, at least his whole life with me was to one goal, to make me happy, to make our kids happy.  He worked hard, he stepped outside the traditional role of a Japanese husband, he spent a lot of time talking with the kids.  After he died Christopher told me that Hisao had taken him to a restaurant as a secret treat, David and Mikey told me of long talks in the car and Hannah said that sometimes when I was teaching Daddy would come and sit with her and talk about when she was born. I know that many times we would talk well into the night and long drives were so wonderful because it gave us chance to connect.  These memories are the treasures that my husband has left us.  I think I was very lucky in my husband, he worked hard but he also understood the need to connect in heart, he was never afraid to speak his mind but he also had the most incredible sense of humor.  I miss him so deeply and days like this are hard to deal with!
I had better go and get some jobs done.  I have made this day busy on purpose otherwise I would be in bed crying all day!  This morning somebody is coming from the gas company is coming to fix our bath again.

Is this June?

I can't believe that it is June.  Six months of the year have gone already!  Far too fast! Last night I was looking for a form that I need to fill out.  Mikey was trying to get me to remember where I moved it to, but the first 4 months of the year are a blur.  I have a few clear memories but it all seems to be in a fog.  Maybe that is how we survive grief.
Also the first 2 days of June have been cool. It is usually so hot and humid, so the past two days of shivery cool days have been a real blessing. I think I am the only one enjoying this weather, the kids kept on "It's cold" all I could say is that it is wonderful! 
Last night I made lasagna for dinner. I haven't made it in ages so it was a nice change. And chocolate cupcakes to follow.  I am wondering how much longer I'll be able to bake!

cupcakes, first time I have tried frosting them, turned out okay

Hannah in her new clothes, I love the pants, she thinks they are strange!

May was a good month

May didn't start out very well, it was too hot and I had a hard time with that.
But I managed to get a lot done!
Bank is sorted out, still waiting on the post office.  Got the trees cut in the yard, went to MIL's and picked up some of the summer stuff we have in storage there. got rid of the car so I don't have to pay for the tax.  Kids are settled into school and are use to the schedules they have.  So all in all a good month.
Yesterday we washed the dog.  She is a yard dog but still needs a good shampoo every now and then.  Biggest problem is that she hates water.  We tried washing her outside but we have no place to corner her, and seem to spend more time chasing her than washing.  So yesterday I decided to get her into the bathroom.  She came into the house okay but as soon as she saw the bathroom she froze!!  I tried to bribe her with some ham, but didn't work!   Finally between me pulling and Christopher pushing we got her in.  Took ages to do her and we got as wet as the dog, but she is clean....for now!
Today my friend took me and Hannah shopping. I had fun trying all sorts of clothes on Hannah.  Bought her enough to get through summer.
Also Hannah made dinner tonight, curry soup.  She made it at school last week and wanted to try it for herself.  I was busy teaching so she had the kitchen to herself, she did very well. The only problem was the onions!!!

Hannah busy at work and the finished soup

The car has gone

15 years ago we bought our first car, a Toyota Noah, 8 seat people carrier. It was a good car, few problems, but we kept the engine maintained, not so much the body. We had many adventures in that car. It really tested hubby's driving skills.  But it had to go.  After hubby died we had no driver, so the car just sat in the carport for 5 months.  I would go and start the engine every few days to stop the battery from dying.  But seeing it just sitting there made me so sad, it reminded me of outings with the kids, of Costco shopping and bargin hunting around the shops. Of dropping the kids off at school then hubby and I would go somewhere for a bit, mini dates if you like.  So many memories!  But it had to go, this month the tax was due and I really didn't want to pay tax on something that I can't use.  So yesterday a friend of hubby's who deals in cars came and took it away.  The carport is empty and I feel that another chapter of the life that was my hubby's is closed!

Few shots of the car

                                                                                                                                                                      

Getting things done

Even though it has been five months since my husband passed away I am still dealing with things that were left undone by his sudden death! Credit cards, banks and post office accounts have to be closed or changed to my name!  I thought that it would be easy to do, but both emotionally and practically it has been a lot harder than I thought.  Emotionally I feel as through I am erasing hubby's existence, removing his name means that he really is no longer here and will not be coming back.  My head knows this but my heart refuses to go there.  To a life without hubby, it is hard to imagine, to believe.  Plus in Japan you are given 3 months to contact the Family Court to petition to have debts incurred by the deceased canceled.  Three months is too short, we managed it, basically because Mikey did most of the work, filling out forms, going to the city to drop of forms, filling out more forms and sending them places! 
The practical side has to do with all the forms that need to be filled out, having the right documents and Japanese stamp when changing accounts.  I've had to walk to the bank twice(half hour walk) because I didn't have the right stamp.  But I am finally seeing the light, maybe I can get these things finished1  I really hope so.
Also hubby's friend came and chopped down the trees in the yard.  They were over the neighbors side and when the wind blew one of the trees was knocking on the bedroom window.  It was a big job and I am so grateful to this friend for helping us out this way.  I have also decided to sell our car. hubby was planning on selling it this year, we have had it for 15 years, it is also a big 8 seater and I think it would be difficult for Mikey to drive.  That is going to be tough, the car was hubby's, it is in the carport and every time I see it I am reminded of all the places we went, the adventures we had in that car.  But these things have to be done.
Kids are okay.  They are driving me crazy with their silliness.  But I am glad that they can have fun and laugh together. They miss their Dad of course but he wouldn't want them mopping around.  I look out for signs of depression, or misplaced anger which is how grief can manifest but over all they are okay.  Hannah still has separation anxiety and I can't say I am sick in front of her or she has a panic attack.  Last week I had to go to the doctor, I had been running a low grade fever for a few days, nothing serious but it exhausted me.  Poor Hannah was so worried.  I took her to MacDonald's the next for a milkshake and talk.  She is okay now but she is one to watch!
Well I had better see to a few jobs.  It is raining here, so nice after the heat wave last week. 

The heat is on

So summer has arrived, early and hot.
I don't do well in the heat at all and this year it is going to be even harder.
In the summer I usually go from the air conditioned house to air conditioned car to air conditioned store. This year no car!!  I still have to walk everywhere.  The local supermarket is only a 5 minute walk but in the summer it might as well be 1 hour walk, I just can't go out.  So how to shop?  I can ask the older boys and most of the time it is okay, but yesterday I asked David to buy a lettuce and he came back with a cabbage!!  So I am wandering what to do.  The only delivery service I know of is the Co-op but they are very expensive but maybe for a couple of months it might help!
Well my brain is already fried so am going to find something cool to drink.

Happy Birthday Blog

Last night I was reading back on my blog and realised that i started this blog one year ago!  If anybody had said a year ago that I would be a widow and taking care of my kids by myself I would of laughed in their face!
This time last year my biggest worry was making money!  That is still my biggest worry but now the added stress of not having hubby around has added so  much more worry and stress to my life.  I have nobody to bounce ideas off.  Even buying a washing machine caused me 4 nights of tossing and turning, I was so worried that I had messed up, bought the wrong one or paid to much for it!!  I know that buying a washing machine is not a life or death decision but for me it was so difficult!!  That worries me, I have to help the kids make decisions for their lives!!  That is scary!
In many ways my life has changed and not changed at the same time!  I am still cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, shopping and teaching.  But now I have to think about paying the bills on time, talking to the teachers and taking care of the garden.  So I am a lot busier than before. 
My kids are doing better than a year ago. They are growing up so fast and are dealing with a lot.  Hubby's death came at a time of change for all the kids but they have managed to deal and are still dealing with it!  We talk about hubby a lot, he did a lot of daft things that still make us laugh, that is nice.
So one year old blog!!!  What will this next yer bring.  I hope good things!